When my dear friend told me she was expecting her first baby I was filled with joy and slightly amused when she said, “I just don’t want to be one of those moms that entire life changes when they have a baby.”
I sorta wanted to say “Awww, that’s cute, but it ain’t happening, sista.” Instead, I was a good friend and decided to let her stay in the dark for a few months. She will see soon enough, soon enough
You know those commercials that say “everything changes when you have a baby.” That isn’t just marketing geniuses tugging at your heartstrings sending you out to buy some random baby product. Nope, that is the stone cold truth. Even if someone told me before Monkey and Mimi came along how different life would be, I would have punched them in the neck and told them they were crazy.
So I got to thinking about the things that really changed. Of course the obvi: no sleeping in, stretch marks, my inability to run up the stairs without peeing myself, but then I thought of what I was really missing: Howard Stern.
My love for Howard Stern started when I was sixteen and my guy friend that took me to school would take the long way through town just so we could catch a few extra minutes of Stern in the mornings. In college, I awoke every day to the sounds of his voice on my alarm clock, and when he made the move to satellite radio, I signed up immediately.
The rauch, antics, and laughs were a huge part of my life for so long, but pretty soon little ears that took in EVERYTHING were perched in a car seat in my vehicle. Rather than singing Zippity do da, I was LOLing at Robin’s news or Howard’s rants. It became evident to me (OK it became evident when hubby put his foot down—hater) that this was not appropriate easy listening with kids in the car. Our new swagger wagon came with XM, and adding Howard‘s channel was an extra cost. It was a perfect time to break things off with Howard.
It’s me, Howard. It’s not you. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I will always look fondly on our time together. Beetlejuice, Jeff the Drunk, and Eric the Midget are all important to me. It’s just that I am worried my kids will start saying things like “Who’s High Pitch?” and ask their grandma about porn and breast implants. So sadly, it is time for me to move on. Can we still be friends?
It hasn’t been a clean break from Howard and the gang. I still listen to clips online from time to time and my gal pal keeps me in the loop on all things Stern news worthy, but it just isn’t the same, sigh. However, if I ever pass a news truck and the reporter is standing in front of a camera, I’m still tempted to shout “Babba Booey Babba Booey!” And in the end, I think that is what Howard would want too.