Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

Parenting: Five Ways I Know I am Doing It Right!

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I’ve often said that if I can get my kids through adulthood not marrying someone I hate or doing crystal meth, I will call this parenting gig a success; however, I have to wait a long time for that payoff. So, I am going to take the little winning moments where I can get them.

hugs

  1. My kids have just the right amount of unhealthy attachment– Monkey loves school, Mimi will happily stay with her favorite babysitter, and both kids will jump into an inflatable jumpy thing or ball pit as soon as they lay eyes on it, but they always, always look back to make sure I am there. Boo boos—they need me. They want to be put to bed—they need me. A snuggle on the couch—me. Waking up in the middle of the night and need someone to vomit on- always me.
  2. When they get a snack or a treat, they always ask for one for their sibling- It doesn’t matter if it is a handful of Goldfish crackers at home, a lollipop at the hair salon, or a balloon at a birthday party, both kids always ask for one for the other—always. *Drops mic* *Walks off stage* My job is done here, folks.
  3. Monkey has no problem defending his sister’s honor-While I do not condone violence, I don’t take kindly to older kids picking on my babies. Like the day some older punk was pushing Mimi on the playground. Before I could run across the playground and go all Mamma Bear on that creep, Monkey jumped off the slide, ran over to the hoodlum, shoved the kid down and yelled in his face “Don’t touch my sister!”  Pretty bad-ass for a three year old.
  4. Strangers always tell me I have “happy kids”- My response is usually, “lucky you, you just missed their epic temper tantrum.” But in all honestly, the kids are really happy and when they show up somewhere, they always have a smile on their faces and are ready to party (as long as your have chocolate milk, that is)
  5. They have a really weird and hilarious sense of humor-Whether it is the boy walking into the room announcing “Mommy, I can’t hear you. I’ve got a banana in my ear.” That one kills me! I make sure to buy bananas every week just so he can tell that joke with a prop; the potassium is just an added bonus. Or if is the girl that demands to wear sunglasses, a hat, furry boots or all three to make the most mundane tasks,like eating breakfast, fabulous, the kids are strange little birds….and they are all mine!

These may be small victories, but I will take it. After all,

The Wet Seal of Approval

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Long, long ago I would have categorized myself as a stylish lady, fashion forward, if you will. OK that is a gross exaggeration; I was able to throw together a great outfit, accessorize, and get my hair to look fancy. Sigh, gone are those days. At this point I find myself turning to mannequins in stores for fashion advice.  “Tell me headless lady, what do you think of these skinny jeans?”

I needed a new outfit for a little trip I was taking and I needed something that was not covered in playground mulch or macaroni and cheese. So in a rush, I had to take the world’s worst shopper, better known as my Screaming Mimi, to the mall. I strapped Mimi into her stroller and braved the stores. Two gals taking on the mall and the fashion world. What could go wrong?

Well let’s just start with Mimi. I dreamed of the days she and I would shop together, have leisurely lunches, and share a laugh or two. Mimi didn’t get her nickname of Screaming Mimi because it was funny. Girlfriend has a set of lungs that even Beyoncé would be jealous of.

We weren’t in the mall for more than ten minutes when she started the wailing, and as if by magic, someone turned up the heat. I was sweating, people were staring,  Mimi was inconsolable, even  mannequins were  judging me. I needed to work fast: get in, grab an outfit, and get out.

We passed a storefront with some questionable selections, but lo and behold there was one mannequin with a decent outfit that was Mom appropriate. I rushed inside just before looking at the name of the store, “Wet Seal”. What? Ewwwww? Any parent should be a little suspect when letting their daughters shop in a store with a semi dirty name.  Oh, you didn’t think it was dirty? Betcha you do now.

But I digress, upon entering the store I could clearly see this place was better suited for the styles of young ladies that have not seen the joys of child-bearing; however, I needed an outfit and Mimi needed the hell out of the mall. Among the sequins, day-glow, and bad 80’s reproductions (dang, are those things really in style?), I saw the Mom approved outfit from the window. I tried to get over to the display but was stopped in my tracks by a huge table covered in glitter tank tops. I moved left and there were more scantily clad mannequins. I moved right and I ran into a furry boot display. No matter how I moved, I couldn’t get Mimi’s stroller over to the one outfit I could actually wear in public without ultimate humiliation. Just then someone turned the heat up again, (why do they do that?) and the sweating and screaming kid became even more unbearable. Fine! I give up!! Clearly this store is anti-stroller (take the hint,lady).I turned and pushed Mimi out of the dirty named store and gave the evil eye to the traitorous mannequin in the window.

I got to thinking about my Questionable Choices in Parenting that day and here is what I came up with:

  • Mimi is a gal on the move. You can’t tame a wild one with a stroller (even though 75 other kids in the mall were sitting in their strollers calmly). Our time of shopping together will come, just not right now.
  • Gone are the days of shopping with great ease and convenience (well for a little while). Until those days are reclaimed, there is online shopping where you can drink wine while pursuing, slutty mannequins don’t judge you, and inappropriately named stores and obstacle courses can’t hold you down.  Take that, Wet Seal!

Look at me, Ma! I’m a blogger!

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OK here goes nothing!

Did you ever have those moments in life when something so ridiculous, insanely funny, or just plain wrong happens and you look around for a camera to make a  funny face of acknowledgement, a la Jim from The Offfice. No? Just me?

 

Well here’s the thing, I am a Mommy to a three year old Monkey boy and a one year old Screaming Mimi; this means they bring the LOLs and Oh noooooos every day. Since I spend most of my days with two bambinos and not too many adults, I start to think I have gone a little bananas; however,I have a place to share my crazy! My mom thinks my musings are a hoot, my husband still thinks I am the wittiest gal he knows, the Monkey and Mimi think I am an awesome singer (genius kids), I just hope you like me…..really like me.

So welcome to my questionable choices in parenting. Hope you find my crazy entertaining 🙂