Stalking is illegal in all fifty states, but to that I say felony-smelony. Let’s find the fun side of stalking! I mean I get the whole “illegal” and super creepy aspect if you’re stalking a celebrity or an ex. Although stalking someone like Ryan Gosling would really be more sport than stalking. And come on, I have no good reason to not stalk an ex because
- My husband is adorable, has all of his hair, and for some unknown reason thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas.
- All of my exs are big, fat losers—that’s why they’re an ex. If you happen to be one of my exs and you are reading this…. Hello, and not you. You were great. (But really him too, he was awful too)
While the penalties for stalking can be pretty dicey, there is one type of stalking I approve, condone and practice: stalking your children.
Stalking your kids is even better if you have an equally efficient and effective (read: cray cray) mom stalker just like you. This is where my fav gal pal Coco comes in handy; plus she is a lawyer in case we need any representation while stalking.
Right now our kids are young and the stalking is mainly to observe, swoon, and giggle at how our kids act and react when we aren’t around; however, polishing our stalking skills now will serve us well when they are tweens and teens (shudders at the thought).
If you are new to stalking, no worries! I have compiled five easy steps to make stalking your children easy and fun. Follow along!
1. Timing is everything: Angle your swagger wagon so that you can see them exiting the premise. Three busses on the field trip? No problem, feel free to pull in between those buses in order to “monitor” their speed and driving precision.
2. Spot the targets carefully: At no time do you want to be detected. Stay far away from them as they enter the new location and take your seat far enough away that your cover is not blown. Use human shields if necessary. Are you in the clear? Good! Now enjoy your subjects kids as they engage in fun under your watchful eye
3 Documentation: Secret stalker pictures like this are key. Save all pictures for research and prosperity.
4. Deny all allegations against you: Upon arrival of pickup, if one Miss Chatty Cathy tries to out you by saying “I saw you today” quickly answer “No, no, no silly girl,” knock over the rack of dress up clothes to distract her, and run away.
5. Reward Yourself on a Successful Mission: If all of the steps are successful, make a quick getaway to Starbucks for a grande, skinny caramel macchiato and a muffin. You’ve done well, lady.
Stalking is usually frowned upon in most circles, but it’s embraced around here. So until they have GPS devices installed in kids’ underwear…wait do they have GPS panties? Ohhhhh I am claiming this brilliant idea now: GPS undies ™ I’m going to make a fortune!
Let me revise, until GPS undies ™ are on the market, my secret stalking missions will continue. If we see each other out on our next “outing” just give me a little nod, I’ll know why you are hanging around the shadows.