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Halloween Costumes That Scare the Pants Off Parents

October 28, 2014 by amushro

Halloween is scary, ya’ll and I’m not talking about ghosts and goblins or the three pounds of candy that is sitting on my dining room table saying “eat me…eat me.”

Please, we are parents! We ain’t afraid of no ghosts! But there are a lot of things that scare us–lice, Common Core Math, the flu– and in the spirit of Halloween some of my favorite bloggers got together to show what would truly terrify parents on our doorstep on Halloween. The results? HILARIOUS!

For me it was my daughter, turning into me as a TEEN! Ahhhh, the horror! I can’t imagine anything worse than my gal being a snotty teen that has horrible taste in boyfriends.

Scary, right?

Now head over to Jessica’s page at Herd Management and check out the other hilarious costumes and tell me your favorite!

Sharing my bed used to be easy (from the vault!)

October 27, 2014 by amushro

Before the sun came peeking up over the clouds this morning, I was already awake. Why am I up so early? Well friends, I tried to roll over but there was a blond, curly head pressed between my shoulder blades. Where her cold legs ended, a hot dog started. I was being double spooned by the girl and the dog. And just inches from her, her brother, talking in his sleep. Finally I heard (not saw) my husband and his familiar foghorn snores. Ahhh, the family bed. Picture perfect, right?

No, no it wasn’t. This is a reminder that we really need to go all Lucy and Desi and get two twin beds. Now that sounds live heaven.

All this togetherness reminded me of this post that I wrote a million moons ago.

This past week Hubby was on a “business” trip, and I use the term “business” lightly because a week of sleeping in a hotel with no kid-duty sounds like pretty sweet “business” to me, but I digress. While he was away, I thought it was the perfect time to get another man into my bed. It was this handsome devil…

You were nervous there for minute, weren’t you?

I know a lot of people who co-sleep: some by choice, others well….not so much by choice but necessity and exhaustion. I’m not big on co-sleeping because I really hate sharing my sleeping space with anyone. If Hubby tries to wrap an arm around me, he usually gets an elbow to the gut as a warning shot.

Your space and my space, buddy. Don’t cross the line.

Lyla takes after me and has no interest in an all-night snuggle fest. She has a precise system of sleep and if we play our cards right, we don’t hear from her for 12-13 blissful, sleeping hours.

So when I had an itchin’ for some baby love, I envisioned snuggling my son all night, breathing the sweet smell of his head, and being lulled to sleep by the sounds of his soft snores. Ahhhh bliss….

Silly me, I forgot this kid is the WORST person to share a bed with.

First, I couldn’t get the kid to settle down. He was like a crack-head all jazzed up and ready to party. He spent a good half hour practicing forward rolls in my bed. Then he started singing a rousing rendition of the ABCs while jumping up and down. It took a bear hugged to get him to simmer down.

When the sleeper-hold I had him in finally put him down for the night, I realized it was only 7:30 and I really needed to pee. But he rolled over and wrapped his arms in a death grip around my neck.

I tried to sneak away, but he pulled me back.

I tried to unwrap his limbs from me, but he squeezed harder.

Finally I just resigned to snuggle down even though I was wide awake and praying I didn’t pee the bed.

This kid is part furnace because heat just seeps off him at night and sends me into hot flashes making me wonder if early menopause has struck. The only way I got out of his death grip hold on my neck was my perfuse sweating gave me enough slide to wiggle out of his clutches.

He also talks in his sleep; actually it is more like ramblings of a man who’s lost his mind. At one point he said “I just want to dance to the doorbell. We have to get to our rocket ship,” then giggles, farts and rolls over. What the hell is going on with this kid?

When I did catch a few winks of sleep, I would wake with his hard head pushing into my shoulder-blade or a quick jab of his toes into my kidneys.

I tied pushing him to the other side of the bed, but he would wiggle back over to me, wrap his sweaty hands around my neck and say “I got you, Mommy.”

Since I clocked about two hours of solid sleep that night, I prayed the Sleep Gods would take pity on my, but oh no, they laughed and Mr. Hot-Crazy-Talker was up bright and early ready to talk about buffalos being brown and having four legs. Oh listen to that, Rip Van Winkle is up in her room too and demanding milk and Doc Mc Stuffins.

Someone pass the coffee, cause this is going to be a loooonnnngggg day.

I’m in Scary Mommy’s New Book and How We Can Do a Little Good for Thanksgiving!

October 21, 2014 by amushro

Long before I ever started this silly blog, I was a huge fan of Scary Mommy. I loved her writing, her sense of humor, she has super fantastic curly hair, and she’s even more fabulous in person. Every day she shares the best posts from other bloggers on her site, and not just any old post, ones that make you laugh out loud, some make cry, and others that really make you think.

I’ve been lucky enough to be featured on her site twice, and each time I count my lucky stars that I’ve been added to the long list of fabulous writers on her site. Now I can squeal with joy to tell you that Jill Smokler, the fabulous lady behind Scary Mommy, is putting out a new book and I’m going to be in it! Ahhhhh!!!

The e-book is going to be available November 17, but is available for pre-order right now. However, more than this being a hilarious book full of fantastic writers, a portion of the proceeds is going to The Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project. That just makes buying this book even better!

Here’s more about the Thanksgiving Project and how you can help!

The Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project began three years ago, with just a handful of families.

A handful of mothers who confessed not being able to afford Thanksgiving dinners and a handful of readers who volunteered to help them. Nobody was trying to save the world; we just wanted to be able to make a difference in one family’s life.

And then the magic happened.

More families came forward with their struggles and even more families pitched in to help, donating anywhere from a dollar to several hundred. Over four hundred families celebrated a Thanksgiving dinner they otherwise would have gone without and Scary Mommy Nation (now a 501(c)3 charity) was born.

Every day, Scary Mommy is proud to showcase a variety of viewpoints and perspectives from mothers everywhere. Underneath all of our differences – behind all of that which too often divides us – the wonder of a mother’s love for her children is universal. And what can be more instinctually maternal than wanting to be able to nurture and provide for your family?

That’s the simple beauty of the Thanksgiving Project. Our children– and our struggle for their well-being – is what connects this community. To date, more than 4,500 families have benefitted from the Thanksgiving Project. Last year alone, we received 2,765 applications and were able to fulfill each and every one. It’s time to do it all again.

thanks

Welcome to The 2014 Thanksgiving Project!

If you could use help with your Thanksgiving holiday, click here to apply. Applications will close 11/1.

If you are involved in blogging or social media, please help us spread the word.

If you have or know of a business who would like exposure and good karma, learn more here.

If you can afford to help a struggling family, please donate by clicking below. Fifty dollars buys an entire dinner – you can, of course, give less and be grouped with other donors, or give more and sponsor multiple families.

(You can also mail checks to: Scary Mommy Nation, PO Box 20866 Baltimore, MD 21209)

Finally, last but not least…here’s a way for you to do good and spoil yourself a little, too.

On November 17 and just in time for the Holiday Season, Simon & Schuster will publish the Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays e-book. The best part? Part of the proceeds of the sale of the e-book will benefit Scary Mommy Nation and the Thanksgiving Project.

The second best part of the book? It contains the voices you know and love from this website, along with a few new ones.

Meet the contributors to Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving The Holidays:

Kim Bongiorno • Christine Burke • Abby Byrd • Andrea Condodemetraky • Sarah Cottrell • Janie Emaus • Victoria Fedden • Nancy Friedman • Anna Gebert • Deborah Goldstein • Alice Gomstyn • Sharon Green • Jessica Griffin • Maria Guido • Toni Hammer • Natalie Hoage • Harmony Hobbs • Amy Hunter • Julie Lay • Kathryn Leehane • Jennifer Lizza • Lola Lolita • Alessandra Macaluso • Leslie Marinelli • Hannah Mayer • Jessica Mayer • Amanda Mushro • Jennifer Weedon Palazzo • Tarja Parssinen •Robyn Passante • Crystal Ponti • Lily Read • Jennifer Scharf • Alisa Schindler • Tammy Scott • Jennifer Simon • Allison Slater Tate • Jill Smokler • Rita Templeton • Vicky Willenberg • Joelle Wisler • Megan Zander.

Pretty impressive line-up, huh?

At only $2.99, this e-book will be the best investment you make this season. Pre-order from Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iBooks and it will magically appear on your device on November 17. A perfect little holiday present… from you, to you.

Throwing A Princess Makeover Playdate

October 14, 2014 by amushro

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone.

#DisneyBeauties #CollectiveBias

One of the side effects of being a girl with an older brother is you have a lot of trucks, trains, zombies, and dirt in your life. While this might drive some little girls crazy, my Lyla just rolls with it all and puts her Disney Princesses inside a dump truck and drives them through piles of Superheros to get to her castle. On her first day of preschool she jumped into my arms and told me “I have a new friend and she LOVES princesses too.” I knew we needed a playdate for the girls and it was going to be all about the princesses. So when we were grabbing our copy of Sleeping Beauty Diamond Edition, we picked up a few Princess Party Essentials to set the scene for the perfect Princess Makeover Playdate for Lyla and her new BFF Louisa.

Throwing a Princess Makeover Playdate is actually pretty fabulous and pretty easy. We used a lot of the Princess toys and accessories that we already had and jazzed up the house with a few new special surprises. First you need to set the scene with snacks and special treats fit for a princess. I hit up the party section at Walmart and grabbed all of the Princess Party supplies at a great price! I got a lot of bang for my buck and the table looked adorable!

Of course, you need all of the essentials for a Princess Makeover, like great shoes.

Well manicured glitter nails.

And, of course, fabulous dresses with all of the necessary Princess accessories.

But more than the shoes, dresses and glitter nails, the best parts of being at a Princess Makeover is being creative and making something beautiful like these Princess paintings.

And using your imagination when playing and sharing with our friends

The girls had so much fun playing together they never got the chance to watch Sleeping Beauty. Guess that means we have to have another Lyla and Louisa Princess Playdate very soon! I’m sure neither of the girls will complain!

Did you pick up your copy of Sleeping Beauty yet? Walmart is the only place to get the Sleeping Beauty Diamond Edition and the special Bonus DVD combo pack. And if you need me to, I can sing Once Upon a Dream for you. I’ll start warming up right now.

Book Number Two! Don’t Mind if I do!

October 11, 2014 by amushro

It’s no wonder that I’m a writer. I mean did you catch that hilarious title?

Lame rhyming titles aside, I am THRILLED to share with you the second anthology where my writing is featured. The book is called Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness and you can buy it here.

This book is filled with hilarious, sweet, and not so sweet stories of those long days and nights of motherhood induced exhaustion. I’m sure we all can relate to the ridiculous things that we say and do when we can’t remember what a good night’s rest feels like, right?

My essay is all about finally letting go of my son’s nap and how it only took me seven months to realize not napping is OK–it sucks for Mommy but the kid will be OK. I like to refer to my kids’ napping days as “the good ol’ days.”

Looking for a fun book? Get this one! Want an easy read? Get this one! Want to laugh and laugh? Get this one! Want to get a book that I’m in? Get this one! And, might I add, this is a perfect stocking stuffer for all the Moms in your life. You even get a free pass to hide in the bathroom and read in in peace and quiet (I made that part up but just go with it)

Why do my kids only get sick on vacation?

October 9, 2014 by amushro

My kids have impeccable timing. Like how they know they need a Band-Aid, a hug, to tell me a secret, or to ponder the latest episode of Octonauts the second I shut the door to pee. No, no who needs privacy? Come right in.

Or right when my arsce hits the kitchen chair after cooking, serving up and cleaning up a meal, that is when they need a drink of water.

With ice.

And a straw.

No, not that one, the red one.

Oh what’s that? The little one now needs chocolate milk. Of course you do.

Since they have this keen sense of timing, why should I be surprised that when we plan family vacations, my healthy as a horse children get sick? Every. Single. Time

Believe me, I consider myself lucky because these two kids can really withstand a nasty bug that takes down a lot of their friends, and rarely do we have snotty noses in this house. I like to attribute their super healthy immune systems to my extended breastfeeding. Why else would I make my otherwise perky breasts reach new lows?

But healthy as they are, when they get sick they get sick and it’s always when we are away from home.

Take for instance our first trip to Disney as a family of four. We had long days planned at the parks, breakfast with the Princesses, and at least two or three turns on Dumbo. Here is our little lady on the plane. All ready to go!

And here she the minute we get to Magic Kingdom– BOOM– the sickest little lady I have ever seen.

Her brother is no better. Even though the kids and I have been at the beach most of summer, we finally got Hubby to take a few days off work to spend some fun in the sun with us.

The first day was perfect! Yay for family beach vacations! Let’s surf

And the next day, Hello ER for breathing treatments.

There is nothing worse than having a sick kiddo and no one wants to be sick away from home. You would think I would be better prepared since my kids save all illnesses for vacations. I open up the suitcase praying I accidentally dropped Tylenol in but nope, never happens. Insert worst mom ever title.

We are actually headed to Disney (yay for blogging conferences!) next week but Shhhhhhhhh…. it’s a surprise. I’m thinking if I don’t tell them we are headed back to see Mickey and friends I can fool them into staying healthy. It might work, right? Right?

So fingers crossed all germs stay away for next week and when I tell them Wednesday morning we are headed to Disney I get an awesome video of both kids screaming with joy and jumping up and down with excitement. Or I get a hilarious video of their disappointment that will make great blog fodder.

A Princess Party for the Sleeping Beauty DVD Release!

October 6, 2014 by amushro

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone.

#DisneyBeauties #CollectiveBias

My daughter has the same view of Disney Princesses that I do on fabulous shoes: we love them all, and they are essential when playing dress up. So while we may still have a few weeks until Halloween, come to our house on any given day and you will find my little girl all decked out in full costume of her favorite Princess of the day. Her current favorite Princess is Sleeping Beauty, and it’s perfect timing because Disney is getting ready to bring her out of the vault! She knows all the words to Once Upon a Dream, but she’s never seen the movie! So this weekend we are getting the new Sleeping Beauty DVD , and in honor of the release of Sleeping Beauty Diamond Edition, Walmart has something special planned for your Princess too, a Princess Party!

So mark your calendars for a Princess Party on October 11 from 10-4 at Walmart. Make sure you bring your Princess or Prince all dressed up in their favorite costume to take part in all of the fun! There will be Disney Princess coloring activities and you can sample Disney Princess cupcakes! It’s also a great time to snag your copy of the Sleeping Beauty Diamond Edition and the special Bonus DVD combo pack and your Disney Princess Halloween Costumes. Or if you are crazy like me, you can get a jump on Holiday Shopping! Click here to see if your Walmart is participating

When you get to Walmart, don’t forget to grab the American Greetings coupon so you can save $3 with any $10 purchase of Disney-themed Party Goods supplies (at participating Walmart stores). What a perfect way to get a Princess Party started!

Lyla and I will be at the Princess Party, but she can’t decide if she wants to go as Ariel or Merida. Decisions. Decisions. If you go to this event, be sure to use the #DisneyBeauties hashtag when sharing your pictures! I’ll be doing the same on my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

I’m in a new book and I’m sharing a sneak peek of the cover!

September 17, 2014 by amushro

When I first started writing a blog I often feared that the only person that would read my posts (and laugh at them) would be my mom. Because, you know, she kinda has to. Luckily after almost two years of this silly blog being around, people other than the woman that birthed me read and like my blog! Success!!

Just so you know, I don’t just write about my epic parenting failures. No, no,no. I’m much more evolved than that. I also write about my epic marriage fails too–very versatile. So that is why I am THRILLED to tell you that I am going to be featured in another book.

Clash of the Couples is all about the absurd and ridiculous fights we have with our significant others. Now I can’t tell you what I wrote (you will need to read the book, silly), but you will totally take my side when you read my story. You should also tell my husband he owes me a big gift…a big shiny expensive gift… because of his nonsense.

The book will be out November 3 but I have a sneak peek of the cover for you!

About the book:

Coupledom. Fact or fable, Adam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents, this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yang. Life was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite her better half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tasted the forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contraband and the stage was set for eternity— a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!

Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!

Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich,” “Never Assume Anything,” “Only I Can Talk About Me,” and “You Want Some College Boobs?” from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies.

Published by Blue Lobster Book Co., Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014. You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates, follow along on Facebook!

The lineup includes:

Andrew S. Delfino of Almost Coherent Parent

Crystal Ponti of MommiFried

Camille DeFer Thompson of Camille DeFer Thompson

Kimberly Morand of Anchor Magazine: Navigating Depression, Bipolar, and Anxiety

Meredith Napolitano of From Meredith to Mommy

Chris Dean of pixie.c.d.

Linda Roy of elleroy was here

Kevin Zelenka of Double Trouble Daddy

Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus

R.C. Liley of Going Dad

Mary Widdicks of Outmanned

Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner

Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie

Mike Reynolds of Puzzling Posts

Leigh-Mary Hoffmann of Happily Ever Laughter Blog

Lisa Petty of Lisa R. Petty

Lynn Shattuck of The Light Will Find You

Jeff Bogle of Out With The Kids

Stacey Gustafson of Are You Kidding Me?

Angela Godbout of FRaPS

Courtney Conover of The Brown Girl with Long Hair

Jenny Hills of Express Bus Mama

Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother

Julia Arnold of Frantic Mama

Jessica Azar of Herd Management

Susan A. Black of I Like That

Dave Lesser of Amateur Idiot Professional Dad

Sarah del Rio of est. 1975

M. Nicole R. Wildhood of Naught Be All Else

Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog

Alexa Bigwarfe of No Holding Back

Brian Sorrell of Dadding Full Time

Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket

April Grant of 100lb Countdown

Bev Feldman of Linkouture

Jodi Flaherty of The Noise of Boys

Scott Rigdon of Three Five Zero

Lydia Richmond of Cluttered Genius

Allie Burdick of VITA – Train for Life

Michelle Grewe of Crumpets and Bollocks

Barb Godshalk of Co-Author of Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey

Jonathon Floyd of One Funny Daddy

Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting

Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe

Snacking Better When You Need A Late Night Snack

September 12, 2014 by amushro

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone.

#SkinnyGirlSnacks #CollectiveBias

I have lost the ability to watch TV like a normal person. Is this yet another side effect of having children? Everyone keeps telling me about this show and that show and “have you seen it?” Unless you are talking about the latest episode of Doc McStuffins, then no, no I haven’t. Honestly, the only way I can watch a TV show these days is to park it on the couch with Hubby and binge watch the hottest shows everyone else has been watching for years in a matter of weeks. Thank you, Netflix! Our current obsession, The Walking Dead. Do you watch? Ahhhh! It’s so good, but something about watching a zombie Apocalypse every night makes me hungry! Actually it’s probably that I ate dinner with the kids at 5:30, and late at night, after watching a few zombies meet their demise, again, I need a snack. I’m really trying to watch what I eat during the day and working out a lot, and I’d hate to ruin it all by snacking late night with food packed with tons of calories. So this week during our binge watching of season three of The Walking Dead, I served up a few bags of the new Skinnygirl Popcorn and it was fabulous!

I’m already a huge fan of the Skinnygirl line. Have you tried their cocktails and sparkling water? They are so good! So when I saw this brand new line of popcorn in fun flavors, I had to try. Each box contains mini bags of popcorn that have just 25 calories per cup. So I may be up with nightmares that a zombie is coming after me, but I won’t have nightmares from heavy foods or calories late at night.

The mini bags are actually the perfect size for snacking, but I have to make one for me and one for Hubby. He may have great taste in women ( I mean he married me, right), but he is awful at sharing. Awful! Look how much he takes!

Ridiculous! Get your own bag!

We tried the Lime and Salt and the Butter and Sea Salt and I really liked them both, but Hubby liked the Butter and Sea Salt more. The flavors are very light and not overwhelming. The Lime and Salt tasted a little like a margarita. Yummy!

Another reason that I love the Skinnygirl line is there are no artificial flavors, colors, sweeteners, or high fructose corn syrup in any of their products. The whole point of low calorie food is eating better; so I hate when low calorie foods and snacks are packed with such unhealthy ingredients. Really, my palette is far too sophisticated for those ingredients (says the lady drinking from her daughter’s Frozen cup).

I found the popcorn at Walmart when I was buying some snacks for the kids. So while I grabbed some popcorn for them, I was able to grab the Lime and Salt Skinnygirl popcorn for me!

Now I’m fully prepared for my next binge TV watching session and I’ve got my Skinnygirl popcorn so I can snack away late at night without the guilt. But the big question now is what do we watch next?