Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

In Honor of Mother’s Day: Ten of My Mom’s Best Pieces of Advice!

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When it comes to the mom lottery, I am the Mega Millions, Powerball, Scratch-off winner. Not only is she my personal cheerleader, my kids’ favorite person in the world, and a fierce cook, she is smokin’ hot. KimIt gives me hope that when I am her age, I won’t morph into the hunchback of Notre Dame. So in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I would share my mom’s best pieces of advice. Now be advised, I usually rolled my eyes or ignored her pearls of wisdom, but inevitability something would happen and I realized, “Dang, she knows what she is talking about.” I just hate when that happens. So here you go, 10 of her best zingers:

  1. “If you stay with that boy, you will end up barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park.”  Until my husband, I had HORRIBLE taste in men. Good thing Kim had zero problems telling it like it is. And she was right. That guy was a one way ticket to co-starting on Honey Boo Boo.
  2. Get a cleaning lady and never let her go. Apparently poor housekeeping skills are genetic, but more importantly, she was realistic. There is no way to do everything. So let the house go and throw money at the problem.  Even if we had no budge in our budget, I wouldn’t give up my cleaning lady.
  3. Make a HUGE deal out of your kids’ birthdays and every single holiday.  If your Mamma doesn’t cover your room in balloons, let you eat cupcakes for breakfast, and throw amazeballs parties for your birthday, who will?
  4. Anyone can do anything for a year. My first teaching job was reminiscent of Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. Remember that Coolio video?  I was fresh out of school and the kids were climbing the walls after an endless line of substitute teachers. I cried every day. I cried all the way to work, sucked it up to make it through the day, and I cried all the way home. My mantra to survive was “Anyone can do anything for a year.” It got better and I learned to love my job, that school, and my students.  When she’s right, she’s right!
  5. Always have your own “thing.”  Being a mom consumes every part of you and we can forget who we are. Check your profile pic on Facebook. Is it you or your kids? How often do you do something for yourself? Throughout the years my mom had a lot of hobbies, some successful some not. But she always had a “thing,” something that was all her own. And I don’t mean the secret stash of candy she thought was well hidden above the fridge. Sucker.
  6. Classy women don’t drink out of beer bottles. Like I said, I don’t always listen to her advice and I never claimed to be classy. This tidbit is coming from a lady that gets sloshed after one margarita.
  7. Never wait for your husband to do stuff for you. Want a picture hung on the wall? Grab the hammer and do it yourself! Want to paint the room? Grab a brush and get started! It drove my mom insane that her mother would wait and wait to have things done by my grandfather. It wasn’t happening in her house and it sure as hell isn’t happening here. Powertools, ladies. Embrace them.
  8. Take care of your girls. Kids can do a real number on your ta-tas: underwire, padding, push-up, Victoria Secret. Live it, love it, use it.
  9. Keep her under wraps most days, but never be afraid to unleash Mamma Bear. Hey, kid too old to be on the playground, I’m looking at you. If you push my kid again, you and your mom (the one texting and ignoring you) are going to get an earful.
  10. No one and I mean NO ONE will ever love you like your Mom!

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Happy Mother’s Day! Now go do something nice for your mom. You are the reason she has stretch marks and pees herself when she runs up the steps.

 

The Dog Becomes a Dog

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You know all of that annoying  awesome, unsolicited advice that random people share with you while you’re pregnant? Like the time the old lady in Target saw me carrying a then 18 month old Monkey and I was sporting a pretty big belly with #2, and well, here is how the convo went down in the checkout line:

                          Random stranger: “You’re pregnant already!”

                         Me: “Yes, it would appear as though I am with child.”

                        Random Stranger: “Well, I’m sure that (pointing to my bumb) was a mistake!”

                        Me: “Uhhhhh… nope. She was planned.”

                       Random Stranger: “Oh a she. Well that is good. Now you can be done having kids.”

                      Me: “Actually, we are going Dugger Style and popping out about 20 more, but thanks for asking.”

OK, that last part totally didn’t happen, but I wish I was quicker with the whit that day. Cut me some slack, I was pregnant, tired from chasing a toddler, and SHOCKED that some random lady would be so insane at Target. Wal-Mart maybe, but Target? REALLY?

Whether it is your first baby or you are Michelle Dugger and working on #21, random people will offer their well-intentioned, but mostly useless, advice. I’m going to throw my hat in the ring of  things you would rather not know, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. Here is one foreshadowed tidbit that actually comes true, your dog becomes a dog.

I know, I know, all of my dog loving, non-mommy readers just gasped in horror. “Girl, you cray cray.”  It is a thought too painful to bare; however, it will happen. The animal that you love and adore as if you had birthed her hairy little face yourself, simply becomes the family dog when kids bust up your pooches happy home.

This is my beloved Suggie,  my first real baby.  The Hubbster and I rescued her from the pound when we were just two crazy kids dating. We adored her, thought she was the smartest, cutest, and well-mannered canine to ever walk the earth. We would lay in bed on weekends and snuggle this sweet pooch and laugh at everyone who thought their dog was the best. Fools, ha!

She was the center of our universe, the star of our Christmas card, and unbeknownst to any of us, her days at the top dog were numbered.

When Monkey came along, it got harder and harder to take her for runs and let’s be honest, feed her twice a day. “Did you feed the dog today or yesterday?” Once Mimi came into our world, Suggie was on suicide watch.

It’s heartbreaking and believe me, I have enough guilt over neglecting the dog (note: by neglect I mean she is not the only child anymore).  At night she sleeps in our bed, hogs the blankets, snores in my face and makes me hot all night. I consider this my penance for being a crap doggie-mommy.

As I look at my sleeping pup taking up most of the couch, I have to remember that the days Suggie may look back on as “the good old days” aren’t forgotten. All I can do to assuage my guilt over my Questionable Choices in Parenting is turn a blind eye when she eats yet another toy, let her lick my Lean Cuisine containers, and take funny pictures of her like this: