Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

Dad Knows Best

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*OK, so this post is an ode to my Pops for Father’s Day. I know I am a few days late, but I’ve been super busy and this post is super funny, so keep reading!*

My Dad is a real pain the ass. He assumes his opinions are always right, his potty mouth would make a trucker blush, he is crabbier than my kids if he doesn’t stick to his schedule and misses his nap, and he is in better shape than most twenty year olds. So freaking annoying.

Dad Knows Best

However, he is a gem of a man who has come to my rescue more times than I can count. He loves my kids in such a beautiful way that it melts my little black heart. Around every turn of my life when I have been afraid, he reminds me to be brave. And he has taught me some of the most simple but profound lessons in life.

Dadandkids

Now in all honesty, a lot of this magical advice was plagiarized from my grandfather, and if I had to guess, taken from his father, but it doesn’t matter because I fully intend on stealing these morsels of knowledge and sharing them with my own bambinos.

  1. People are stupid—this little tidbit is the gift that keeps on giving. Sure it seems a bit harsh, but I can’t tell you how many times a day I recite this line over and over. Watch the nightly news: people are stupid. Read asinine status updates on Facebook: people are stupid. Keyboard politicians: People are stupid. Naming your baby North: people are stupid.
  2. Are they paying your bills? Then why are you worrying about them?  I shutter at the thought of  being a dad to an emotional basket case teenage girl. I was a freaking hormonal nightmare and cried All. The. Time. During any falling out with a friend, non-friend, or lame-o boyfriend, my dad would lay it on the line and ask:

Dad: Are they paying your bills?

Me: What? No? (insert whiny voice and a few extra tears, OK a lot of tears)

Dad: Then why are you worrying about them?

Me: Because I …(insert lame teenage response) You don’t know what you are talking about.*Storms off to pout in bedroom*

Ok, So it wasn’t the most well received piece of advice as a teen, but with most life lessons, it was lost on youth but invaluable to me today. It takes a lot to get my panties in a bunch, and if they do, I ask myself those questions. Usually if that doesn’t work, I refer to #1

3.       Do the right thing- So simple and so true. It’s sorta like my Daddy-O is as enlightened as Dori and her “just keep swimming” line. The next time you find yourself at a crossroad in life, just do the right thing. Makes your decision a lot easier.

There is all sorts of research on the lasting effects a dad has on his daughter’s relationships throughout life and her sense of self-worth. That’s a lot of pressure for Dear Old Dad.! Clearly the big guy did a few things right (even if he failed at teaching me to parallel park). But here is the best part of having an awesome dad, watching him be an amazing grandfather to your kids. Do the right thing? I think so.

Dad

Things My Husband Can Do Better Than Me

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If you read my blog, you may think “Wow! That gal is a hoot!” or maybe you are thinking “That girl has pizzazz! That husband of her’s is a lucky devil.”  And if you think that, you would be sorely wrong (well I am a hoot, but the other stuff is a stretch).

To be honest, I am a pill to live with. I am bossy, demanding, over emotional, and a lousy housekeeper. On top of that, I don’t reciprocate backrubs, I often say things like “I’ll cut you if you don’t stop snoring”, and I threaten divorce if Hubby speaks to me during True Blood, Homeland, Glee, Scandal, Nashville, Friday Night Light re-runs… you get the picture. See what I mean? A real pill.

Most days I am really hard on Hubby and I know I need to lay off him because he really is a great guy (even if he is missing a chromosome that reminds him to shut drawers and cupboards). Today I watched him push the kids on the swings outside and I got to thinking about the things he is better at than I am, and they are all things that are super important to kiddos. So for once, I will ease up on that boy I married a million years ago and let him know he is doing a good job. Here is what I came up with:

Things My Husband Can Do Better Than Me

  1. He is way better at rough housing than I am. Maybe it is because I am terrified that I will hurt them or I have had by boobs stepped on one too many times, but I leave all of the rough housing over to their Dad. Research suggests kids rough housingView More: http://stevebeltzphotography.pass.us/event/t2Vl5127177 with their dad is actually good for a kid’s development. So go ahead, big guy, throw those kids in the air (but you better catch them or I will cut you), roll around and wrestle, let them win sometimes, let them lose sometimes, let them knee you in the balls and pretend it doesn’t hurt because the kids LOVE when they pin you, and I can sit on the couch and play referee with both boobs intact.
  2. He said he was getting his MBA, but I suspect he was taking classes in fort building. I’ll admit, my forts are super lame. Usually I throw a blanket over a chair and call it a day, but when I leave Hubby to his own devices he will create a fort masterpiece. I’m talking couch cushions, blankets, ropes, tunnels, doors, and even secret hideouts. He puts my fort skills to shame and that’s OK because I would rather play in his fort too. That sounded dirty…
  3. He reminds me that breaking their schedule is OK sometimes. I am super Type A and keep my kids on a tight schedule. They thrive on their schedule, I thrive on their schedule, but if the kids go to bed late or miss a nap once in a blue moon, it’s fine and I will just make him deal with their crabby arses the next day.
  4. He always cleans out the rogue sippies. You know, the ones that were filled with milk and have been hiding under the couch for a few days. I seriously just vomited in my mouth thinking of it. Because I gag at the thought of opening that toxic waste, I rely on him to open and clean the cup so that we are not running to the store each week to replenish our sippie collection.Taking one for the team.
  5. Because I am with the kids all-day-every-day, my fuse is super short at night. So when Monkey and Mimi start streaking through the halls after bath time and I am left with their jammies and lotion, Hubby scoops them up before I lose my shizzz and put everyone in bed naked and itchy. As the second string quarterback, he makes sure the kids make it to bed every night lubed up and in jammies and Mamma has a sliver of sanity.

See, the guy is great. Maybe I should think of these things when I have told him 374 times to take the recycling bin to the back of the house and he ignores me. He can still be a real pain, but he is super cute. So I am going to try to cool it with the cutting threats…for now.

View More: http://stevebeltzphotography.pass.us/event/t2Vl5127177

Oh, Babe, can you take the recycling bin to the back of the house?(375)

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

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This may seem like an ordinary Disney Princess Castle, but I am telling you, this one has magic powers.

This castle was one of the 102,383 presents that Mimi received this Christmas. Considering this girl has glitter in her veins and has recently discovered the money maker  amazing wonder that is all things Disney Princess, this little house and it princess inhabitants is one of her favorites.  Although, she has taken a shining to Snow White and refuses to understand that Ariel is far superior, but whatever, we can work on that.

This morning I caught my hubby playing with Miss Mimi and her magic castle. If you put a princess on the dance floor she will introduce herself and sing a little song. Apparently my rendition of “Someday My Prince Will Come” was subpar because Monkey told me to stop singing because I was hurting his ears (creep).  Anywho, as each princess sings her little song, Mimi breaks into a full on song and dance. It is freaking adorable and the gal can move.  As her momager (watch out Kris Jenner), I can see big things in her future, or she will be that kid on American Idol that is shocked that the judges think she can’t sing because her mother always tells her she is amazing. Oh dear God, please don’t let her grow up to be that kid.

After witnessing this song and dance a few times, I literally watched my husband melt into a big ball of daddy induced goo. His eyes got all glassy and he had this silly smile plastered on his face. Oh yeah, this guy has got it bad and Mimi pulled out her best moves to impress her Daddy-O.  A few minutes later, hubby calls me into the room to discuss something that he was thinking about. This is how the convo went down:

Hubby: Sooooo, what do you think about taking the kids to Disney?

Me: Ummm, yes! I have been saying that for months. I’ve done a ton of research and could plan the trip in minutes.

Hubby: Yeah, yeah, yeah it’s just that she really likes these princesses and maybe she would want to see them. I really think we should take the kids. Monkey would LOVE Disney, especially  the rides. It would be great.

Me:  Sure, honey great idea???

This is what I said, although I was thinking—what the hell just happened in here? What sort of magic spell has this castle put on you? Is it laced with Disney fairy dust that comes straight from the Magic Kingdom? I literally have been trying to get him to agree to a Disney trip for months and all of the sudden he has the idea to take the kids.  Whatever, sign me up!

Maybe it wasn’t the castle at all. Maybe it was the magic of Mimi. If it was Mimi, I need to learn her secret. I mean, my dad thinks I’m great and all, but he is pretty smitten with my kids, so I am old news in his book. What else could Mimi talk her father into?  A few bats of her eyelashes, a jig, and a little tune and he is loading the whole family on a plane for a trip to see Mickey and Friends.

How could I use this to my advantage?

Well, I really HATE to do the dishes. Could I bust a move and sing a song to my hubby and hope I never have to touch a dish again? Highly unlikely.

I need to watch this gal and study her technique closely. I could learn a thing or two from her.  Until her magic powers are used for evil, “Please Daddy, mean Mommy said I couldn’t use the car tonight. Can I please (bat eyelashes), please (insert sweet smile), please (give ol’ dad a hug) use the car?”  I need to get her on my team and sit back and enjoy the spoils of her magic.