Dr. Phil

Even the most well-intentioned parent messes up, a lot. Honestly, I’m probably giving my kids plenty of ammo if they feel the need to take their grievances national to somewhere like The Dr. Phil Show.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the good doctor and love hearing him tell guests whose lives are in self-induced shambles “so how is that working for you?” Better yet is when he fires off a warning to a lippy guest who is getting a bit testy with his line of questioning with “this ain’t my first rodeo.”

But as much as I love Dr. Phil and his quick witted quips, I have no desire for my family to end up on daytime television boo-hooing about what I did to ruin their lives.

So before I blink and my kids have all but grown up, I want to make it clear to them…

“My mom didn’t hug and kiss me enough”– Nonsense! There is little I enjoy more than cuddling and smooching these two knuckleheads. Since they are so little, I get away with lots of mommy love, but I am fully prepared to demand a little sugar even when they are teens and they think I’m the worst thing ever. Even if my kids have officially banned PDAs, I will sneak into their rooms at night, tuck them in, and kiss their sweet faces. They should just learn now there really is no way of getting away from me.
“My mom never made sacrifices for me” Let’s see, where should I start? The stomach that I could bounce a quarter off now has the familiar “mom squish.” When I sneeze, I have to cross my legs just in case. Once I had high, perky boobs; now they just seem sad and sorta lopsided. How about the hours and hours of sleep lost? The bazillions of dollars spent on diapers, butt creams, and random baby gadgets! Lots of sacrifices, but it’s cool because you two are worth it. The stretch marks are a bit much, but I can forgive the rest.
“My mom was never in my corner”- The day that I birthed my bambinos, I gained the title of “Mamma” and “Personal Cheerleader.” So for the good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the big, and the small, no one and I mean NO ONE will cheer louder and stand stronger in their corner than their Mamma. If need be, I will bust out my pom poms from my high school cheerleader days.

Here’s the thing, I’m going to be their cheerleader as long as I’m around. That mean when they are married I will say “Hey husband/wife, who better NEVER move my kids hundreds of miles away from me, here’s a pom pom, let’s get our cheer on.” See I can share.

Is there’s something they want to do, we’ll make a plan and figure out how they can accomplish it. If their big dreams don’t work out, I’ll show them how to make new ones. Because that’s what Moms and personal cheerleaders do.

4. “My mom never tried to make us happy”– Maybe they thought we spent hours on the playground because I really enjoy the spiral slide, or the days at the pool were because I really liked the tans lines from my tankini. Clearly we watch hours of Doc McStuffins and Sesame Street because it’s such riving television. Nope, sorry, Charlie. I do these things and pretty much 99.99% of our daily activities because it makes them happy. And their dirty, smiling faces make me happy.

5. “My mom didn’t love me” Have you ever loved someone so much that it’s just too big and too fabulous to understand? Have you ever loved someone so much it actually scares the bejeezus out of you? That’s how I feel about those two.

However, if my kids wanted to take me on the Dr. Phil show for, oh I don’t know, a chance to just hang out with his wife Robin or if he is handing out tummy tucks, then yes, sign me up. Otherwise, we shall just enjoy the musings of the Dr. from the comfort of our home.

If the bags under my eyes weren’t a clear indicator of my need for more sleep, the kitchen full of empty Diet Coke cans and coffee that has been reheated in the microwave one too many times should tell you that this Mamma is TIRED!

Because Hubby works late and usually misses out on the torture joy that is bath and bedtime, I devised an evil plan that allows me to get a few more zzzzzzzs, him some quality time with the kids, and a little payback for “oh, the metro broke down again” —he has to get up in the morning with the kids. (Insert evil laugh here).

The other morning I couldn’t be sure if I was dreaming, no, no, no having a nightmare, or if Hubby was actually trying to ruin my life. Monkey must have been throwing a temper tantrum over who knows what (again, I wasn’t on duty and don’t really care about the specifics), but I distinctly heard Hubby say “That’s enough, you have lost the iPad for the rest of the day.” Why would he say such a thing? My sweet slumber was immediately ruined! I jumped out of bed and raced down the stairs trying to stop him from making a terrible mistake.

I get that parents need to be on the same page with discipline and you can’t undermine the other parent when they are laying down the law, but I had to stop this nonsense because if Monkey was banned from the iPad for the day, it was ME that was being punished.

I am not ashamed to say that I use the iPad and iPhones in this house to entertain, bribe, and calm wild beasts. Without them my Mommy Bag ‘O Tricks would be pretty shallow.

Now that he doesn’t nap and I need to get work done in this house, Monkey happily skips off with the iPad while Mommy gets the first shower of the week without an audience, maybe I tackle the laundry pile that has engulfed half of the house, or maybe I just sit on my arse drink a Diet Coke and watch Dr. Phil. Either way, he is happy, maybe learning something, maybe not, and I am happy. The iPad even forces the kids to share. It’s a magical little unicorn and I REFUSE to give it up!

If we need to run to the grocery store and someone is tempted the throw themselves into the shelves of cereal, don’t fear! Quickly toss them the phone and let them play the Bubble Guppies game.

At the doctor’s office for more than five minutes with a toddler that is ready to make it “rain up in there” with tongue depressors? No worries, we’ve got an app for that. Actually we have dozens of apps for that, and right now the Disney Junior app is on and she can watch Little Einsteins. Boom! She is happy and the tongue depressors are safe.

Trying to cook dinner but have two kids pushing you, standing on your feet, and requesting the 100th cheesestick of the day? Take the iPad and beat it, kids. Now they are blissfully happy while you chop, saute, and bake a yummy dinner they probably won’t eat, but hey, you tried.

It’s like Steve Jobs saw the frazzled Mom and worked feverishly with the Apple geniuses to create something so wonderful, so mind consuming, and so addictive that he should have been given a Nobel Peace Prize.

When I see an articles written about kids too connected to technology and we are creating mini zombies when they have too much iPad/iPhone time, I just have to say shut up, seriously. While pregnant I never drank, smoke, or did Crystal Meth (well to be honest, I never did Crystal Meth). I nursed both kids long enough to watch the slow demise of my perky breasts, and I engage them with all sorts of educational and meaningful activities every day. I will not apologize for their overuse of the iPad and I if you need an excuse, I am sure we have an app for that.

Five things my kids will never be able to say to Dr. Phil

Crime and Punishment: Please Don’t Take the iPad Away