Yesterday morning I looked out my front window and saw two men digging a hole in my front yard. Without even thinking, I stormed out the front door in my PJs, no shoes, no bra, and all of my early morning glory. Stomping up to the two men, I didn’t even fire a warning shot before I started to berate them by yelling “Whatever the hell you are doing, you better clean this mess up because we are putting our house on the market in a few days, and I will not have this yard looking like crap.” Without so much as a response from the two confused men, I stomped back to the house and, for extra effect, I slammed the front door.
About three minutes after my explosion, Hubby informed me that those two men just put up a for sale sign in the front yard. While I assumed they were some annoying utilities workers ripping up my front yard, they were making what we had known for months official: our house is for sale.
After sheepishly apologizing to the men for my crazed rant, I tried to explain how stressful it has been getting the house ready to sell, with kids no less! Then I remembered I wasn’t wearing a bra and decided a simple “Sorry, I’m a wack job” would suffice.
We haven’t even started the showings of the house yet and I am already flying off the handle at random strangers. I need to simmer down, take deep breaths ,and get a grip before everyone stages an intervention in my spotless, toyless, dustless, take-off-your-shoes-before-you-walk-on-the-carpet-because-I-just-had-them-cleaned living room.
So I am going to be a glass half full gal and look at the positives of preparing and selling your house. And if this doesn’t work, I am gonna need some meds to make it through this.
- Don’t threaten to divorce your husband every time he says “Wow, now that most of the toys are gone and we got rid of so much stuff, there is so much room here. We really don’t need to move!” Simply nod and smile at his positive outlook. Remember that he has worked really hard too, and while you deal with stress with wine and sarcasm, he deals with stress by talking like a lunatic. Isn’t he just the cutest thing!
- When your cleaning lady informs you she will be out of the country for the next month and you are a poor excuse for a housekeeper, don’t panic! Just tell the entire family they are only allowed in one room of the house—until it is sold. Think of it as camping! Think of all the bonding!
- Even though you have moved out 95% of the kids toys and 75% of your belongings to make the house look spacious and roomy for the strangers walking through your house, just know when you exclaim “Look at how much room this house has,” those people did the same thing and their crap made the house small and cramped too.
- Since you and the kids will spend lots of time in the car driving around the neighborhood while random strangers are looking in your closets, try not to think about them looking in your underwear drawer,finding the post-pregnancy panties, and running out of the house screaming. No, no, no, just use the car time to play a rousing game of I Spy, sing a few songs, or just run them through McDonalds for a few minutes of peace and quiet.
Well folks, We have a long road ahead of us, and I can’t drop my basket now. Remember when I promised to be kind to this house?
I am going to keep looking at the positives (and drinking lots of wine), but I would LOVE your tips, tricks, or stories about moving! Share in the comments and we can all commiserate together!
motherhoodisanart says
This is hysterical! My husband keeps saying we need to move because our house is too small! The thought of loading all this crap up is daunting! I’ll have to refer back to this post if the time ever comes!!!
amushro says
Daunting is right! The fact that you have to keep your house looking like you don’t have kids (no toys, no food on the floor, no crayon drawings on the wall) is insane! Hopefully this will be the last move we ever make!
A different kind of hero says
Your posts are always so funny! You really are a lot like my sister and I can tell from your writing. That being said, since you two are so much alike, feel free to go ahead and get me a birthday gift this year, that way you two have something else in common, too! 🙂 Haha, I hope that your move goes as smoothly as a move can be! Good luck!
ps: July 23rd, you know, just in case 😉
amushro says
7/23 is now in my calendar! You know I love and adore your sis, and it is a bit bizarre how similar we are, no?
Therefore, I demand as my brother you come and watch my kids this Friday–for free. How quickly can you make it to the DC Metro?
A different kind of hero says
Well once you get to know your new brother, the one who missed the tram on his family vacation to FL and almost didn’t make it out of the airport, you’ll know that I’d have a better chance at producing my own children to watch by Friday than successfully locating the DC Metro 🙂
amushro says
Worst. Pretend. Brother. Ever.
A different kind of hero says
Ya Ya like I’ve never heard that before
Stumbling through parenthood says
You need to keep a set of “showing towels” – nice towels and rugs for your bathroom and/or kitchen that everyone understands are never, ever, ever to be used, even if you have to drip dry. That way when the realtor calls from 2 blocks away, and asks “you don’t mind if I bring this nice couple by real quick, right?”, you can whisk away the damp, threadbare, Dora the Explorer towels and put out the “show towels.” Presto, new bathroom! Just remember to put them back in the closet when you get home.
amushro says
GENIUS! You need your own show on HGTV! We are implementing operation “showing towels” tomorrow!
Sleep-deprived Father of 2 says
Having just gone through this a year ago, I totally feel your pain. Just remember, it only gets worse once you see some of the obnoxious feedback you get from people too lazy to have a vision or to ever do any work on their own to make a house just how they want it. On a positive note, we were able to use the experience to teach our kids about donating toys to charity and giving to those who are less fortunate. We even told them that sometimes we have to make room for Santa so he doesn’t think we have too many already. Although a bit self-serving, it did teach them the value of sharing and philanthropy. So for that, I’d say the nightmare of selling our house (for almost an entire year), was almost worth it… almost. Good luck!
amushro says
Thank you so much! When we were packing up unused toys to move out, my oldest started to cry and it broke my heart, but you are right, they need to learn the value of sharing and philanthropy and I need this crap out of my house!!! Fingers crossed this house sells fast!
lifewithkaishon says
I am not looking forward to having to move EVER! Just the thought of packing up the garage can send me into a panic attack!
amushro says
Looking at our attic sends me into a fit. Pass the wine or I may lose it right here and now!
lablover22 says
I know this is going to sound insane: but the best thing we did when deciding to sell our house? Hire my mom as our real estate agent. Yes, yes, I’m serious. I know doing anything with your mother can be treacherous, but having her sell my house was golden. First of all, she made sure people kept out of our stuff. second, she could speak so lovingly about the family memories made here and make the potential new owners see just how beautiful our home truly was. She was extremely respectful of the fact that we had a 9 month old and a dog. And most importantly, if anyone said anything negative about our decorating or use of space she was all over that like white on rice! She sold our house in 9 days. I swear it’s because she had the heart of a mom and grandma in additon to a real estate agent. Of course, she drove me crazy when it came time to prepping the house. I think I mentally fired her like 57 times. In the end it was worth it. Good luck!!
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
amushro says
Vicky, I am going to need your mom STAT! When we bought our house seven year ago, our realtor took us outside and told us to hug (he knew the owners were across the street watching us). They chose our offer over several others because they saw themselves (a young couple looking at starting their lives in this home). You mom sounds like what we need. Send her our way! Great advice!
lablover22 says
That is brilliant! The first time we saw our current house I was upstairs checking out the bedroom when a teary “Vic, come down here!” came from my mom. When I arrived, there was a hand written note from the owners describing the amazing plums that grow on the tree out back and the long Thanksgivng weekend her husband and son spent building the shed. “This is the house for us, Mom!” I cried. These people might as well have baked chocolate chip cookes to create an inviting aroma- I am a sucker for the sap;)
P.S.
I found out the couple who sold us the house divorced 6 months after we moved in. I was so sad!! What about the plums and the shed? Weren’t they enough to ensure a happy family!!???
amushro says
Oh my! That is hilarious and heartbreaking. I should totally write a letter to get someone to quickly buy this house. So sad the plums couldn’t hold them together 🙁
Debbie - Wrinkled Mommy says
I cannot even IMAGINE trying to sell my house with 4 little kids living here. SO no tips here – but good luck. Oh and the part about yelling at the men in your yard is very funny! lol
amushro says
It is rough! Rough! Wine and I have become close friends at the end of the night 🙂 Those poor men never saw me coming. I am sure they told their wives about the crazy lady with no bra that yelled at them!