Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

Going Once, Going Twice, SOLD!

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After months of agonizing and stressing over our decision and weeks of cleaning, fixing and preparing this house, it only took two weeks, but we officially have a contract on our home! If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that I have been going bat-shit-crazy over selling our house. New around here? Well check this post out and this one.

I am ecstatic that we were able to sell the house so quickly, and my fingers and toes are crossed that everything works out smoothly during this entire process. However, the weirdest crap happened during the two week, non-stop showings of our house. Here is a quick run-down of the cray cray

Going once going twice

  1. In less than two weeks we had dozens of showings! Believe me, my house is nothing fancy, it’s just the crazy real estate market in the Washington D.C. Metro, but that isn’t the crazy part. More often than not, someone used one of our bathrooms. We found toilet seats up, the toilet paper roll ripped off the wall, and some “unusual suspects” in the potty.Gross. Until you buy the place, your own bathroom.
  2. Hubby has an OCD with turning off the Keurig coffee machine; however, we would come back after a showing and the machine would be on! Was it the same folks that were using the potty at our house? Is this their method for choosing a new home, try the coffee and make a trip to the John?
  3. Every time I returned to the house after a showing I was sure the last people were really terrorist that setup surveillance on our house…………..or I have been watching too much Homeland.
  4. Here’s a tip, if you are looking at someone’s house, take your freaking shoes off! The fact that I was picking up huge black chunks of mud from my closet is unacceptable.  Honestly, I am a stay-at-home-mom and  there is nothing designer in my closet. My yoga pants are not from Lululemon; they are from Target. Nothing to see here, folks.
  5. Most showings are at the most inconvenient times: lunch, naptime, dinner, and bedtime. However, I would panic and accept the showings because what if I turned someone down and they were the “one”. The “one” that would throw lots of money at us and buy our house.
  6. The other inconvenient element of showings is the quick panic of clean up the house and throw the kids in the car. Usually I would be sweeping and vacuuming minutes before we needed to leave. This meant the kids were put in the car without shoes or coats. I popped a movie in the car DVD player, threw them some snacks, and we were driving around the neighborhood until the random strangers left our house.

So we have some time before we have to close the door to this house for the last time. This means we are now full on Find-A-New-House mode. Because if we don’t, we have to move in with my in-laws, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a whole new blog in itself.

Good Luck Moving Up Cause I’m Moving Out!

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Yesterday morning I looked out my front window and saw two men digging a hole in my front yard. Without even thinking, I stormed out the front door in my PJs, no shoes, no bra, and all of my early morning glory. Stomping up to the two men, I didn’t even fire a warning shot before I started to berate them by yelling “Whatever the hell you are doing, you better clean this mess up because we are putting our house on the market in a few days, and I will not have this yard looking like crap.”  Without so much as a response from the two confused men, I stomped back to the house and, for extra effect, I slammed the front door.

About three minutes after my explosion, Hubby informed me that those two men just put up a for sale sign in the front yard. While I assumed they were some annoying utilities workers ripping up my front yard, they were making what we had known for months official: our house is for sale.

For Sale

After sheepishly apologizing to the men for my crazed rant, I tried to explain how stressful it has been getting the house ready to sell, with kids no less! Then I remembered I wasn’t wearing a bra and decided a simple “Sorry, I’m a wack job” would suffice.

We haven’t even started the showings of the house yet and I am already flying off the handle at random strangers. I need to simmer down, take deep breaths ,and get a grip before everyone stages an intervention in my spotless, toyless, dustless, take-off-your-shoes-before-you-walk-on-the-carpet-because-I-just-had-them-cleaned living room.

So I am going to be a glass half full gal and look at the positives of preparing and selling your house.  And if this doesn’t work, I am gonna need some meds to make it through this.

Moving Out

  1. Don’t threaten to divorce your husband every time he says “Wow, now that most of the toys are gone and we got rid of so much stuff, there is so much room here. We really don’t need to move!”  Simply nod and smile at his positive outlook. Remember that he has worked really hard too, and while you deal with stress with wine and sarcasm, he deals with stress by talking like a lunatic. Isn’t he just the cutest thing!
  2. When your cleaning lady informs you she will be out of the country for the next month and you are a poor excuse for a housekeeper, don’t panic! Just tell the entire family they are only allowed in one room of the house—until it is sold. Think of it as camping! Think of all the bonding!
  3. Even though you have moved out 95% of the kids toys and 75% of your belongings to make the house look spacious and roomy for the strangers walking through your house, just know when you exclaim “Look at how much room this house has,” those people did the same thing and their crap made the house small and cramped too.
  4. Since you and the kids will spend lots of time in the car driving around the neighborhood while random strangers are looking in your closets, try not to think about them looking in your underwear drawer,finding the post-pregnancy panties, and running out of the house screaming. No, no, no, just use the car time to play a rousing game of I Spy, sing a few songs, or just run them through McDonalds for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Well folks, We have a long road ahead of us, and I can’t drop my basket now. Remember when I promised to be kind to this house?

I am going to keep looking at the positives (and drinking lots of wine), but I would LOVE your tips, tricks, or stories about moving! Share in the comments and we can all commiserate together!