Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

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The Today Show and my 50 Shades of Excitement

February 11, 2015 by amushro

Fifty Shades of ExcitementI always thought my first appearance on the Today Show would be about parenting and some of the ridiculous essays I write about my epic parenting fails, but the way I landed myself on the Today Show is actually pretty perfect for this lady!

When you’re an English teacher people often assume that you spend your free time reading the classics and analyzing great pieces of literature. I mean, my brother is an ER doctor and no one assumes for a good time he breaks his own arm then sets it in a cast. So when you catch a glimpse of what’s on my Kindle, don’t be surprised that you won’t find any Dickens or a single Shakespeare play. What you will find is the same trilogy that millions of ladies have been downloading, trading, discussing, whispering, shouting, and patiently waiting for the move version, 50 Shades of Grey.

I assumed I’d be catching Mr. Grey in all his glory on the big screen with a few of my gal pals, but a producer from The Today Show called and because I sent them a silly caption from one of the movie stills, they asked if I would fly to NYC for their special screening and ask the stars of the film a few questions. I tried to act really cool on the phone (take deep breaths) but I’m sure my inner “SQUEEEEEEEEEE!” was showing!

“Oh sure, that sounds fun. I could do that.” SQUEEEEEE!!!!

Caption

Here is how I got ready for my trip:

1. Call up your best gal pal and scream into the phone “I’m going to be on the Today Show! Get a babysitter because we are flying to NYC to see 50 Shades of Grey!” Wait for her confusion then her screams of joy.

2. Get your mom to watch your kids. Assure her the NEXT time you are on the Today Show you will take her.

3.Shop for something fabulous to wear and shop fast.

4. Get your nails and hair did.

5. Be prepared to feel like a celebrity for two days. Understand  reality will come crashing down, but not yet!

Obviously having a car pick us up at the airport totally did NOT go to my head–whatever, it was pretty rad—

IMG_6123

I’d like to thank my kids for getting up insanely early every morning. Because of them, I was actually able to get myself up, ready and down to the car that would take us to the event at 5:30 in the morning. Since I was a guest of the Today Show, we walked right in, but hundreds and hundreds of ladies were waiting outside in the frigid 10 degree weather to get inside. Insane!

On the “grey carpet” were lines and lines of fellas handing out yummy drinks. If THIS is the kind of stuff that happens at red carpet events, count me in, friends.

IMG_6126

It’s always key to take your super fabulous friend who adores NYC just as much as you do and appreciates and practices going a little bananas for celebrities much like myself. I heart her. IMG_6133Funny thing about the audience, they were all women. The only men were the ones working for the Today Show.

IMG_6153The day before I planned everything I would say to the author E.L. James. Then I met her and said something stupid like “I’m so excited!”  Good one, Amanda. Definitely one she will remember.

IMG_6156

Then there were ear-piercing screams from the back of the theater. No need to panic.Mr. Grey just entered the building. 50 ShadesAfter the first set of interviews with the stars of the film and the writer, the movie started (again so awkward to watch this movie at 7:30 in the morning) and we all settled in for the movie we’ve been anticipating!

Check out my vlog where I’m giving my honest review of the film!

After the movie wrapped up, all of the cameras and lights were back on and it was my turn to be on camera and ask the stars a few questions!

Knowing my entire family was at home with the DVR set, I made sure I didn’t have lipstick on my teeth, walked up next to Carson Daily and…. they ran out of time.

So I didn’t get to ask my question, but I did get on camera much to the happiness of my mother who will tell everyone this story for the rest of her life.

Natalie Morales was so sweet and apologized for running out of time for our segment, grabbed my hand, and said “let’s get some pictures with Jamie and Dakota.” And that, friends, is how Natalie because my favorite person forever.

Not only is he gorgeous, ladies. @jamiedornan smells really good too #FiftyShadesFirst @todayshow

A video posted by QuestionableChoicesInParenting (@questionablecip) on Feb 6, 2015 at 4:45pm PST


The entire time I was in New York I kept saying “This is so absurd. All of it. It’s so absurd.”  Fantastic and absurd but totally amazing. See, your English teachers were right, reading DOES open all kinds of doors.

Filed Under: Exciting News, Laughs Tagged With: Amanda Mushro, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey movie, Today Show

8 After-Pregnancy Side Effects I Still Suffer From

February 4, 2015 by amushro

My favorite part of pregnancy is the prize at the end: the baby. Seriously, I’m the worst pregnant woman ever. I don’t glow. I don’t look like I have a basketball under my shirt. And I don’t have all sorts of energy that allows me to “nest.”  Luckily I make super cute babies. However, there was and is a whole lotta side effects that I STILL suffer from! So of course, I wrote about and A LOT of ladies seem to have the same list of side effects! Hope on over to my pal Scary Mommy’s page to see what made my list!

baby-on-moms-lap
Image via Shutterstock

 

Filed Under: Laughs, Uncategorized

Helping Duchess Kate Survive Two Under Two

January 22, 2015 by amushro

On a rare occasion I was grocery shopping sans kids, I opted for the longest line while checking out so I could spend a few minutes catching up on all the celebrity gossip in the rag magazines. Don’t you dare judge me. It’s my guilty pleasure.

Through the dozens of celebrity divorce rumors and Kardashian family splashed pages was an article that literally made me laugh out loud :“How will Duchess Kate handle two under two?”

Surviving Two Under Two

While I absolutely adore Duchess Kate and her little royal family, surviving the trials and tribulations of two under two is really no skin off her back and probably won’t even ruffle that perfectly coifed mane.

For the rest of us common folk, a palace full of nannies, chefs, maids, and assistants will not be at our beck and call during this daunting time. But just for giggles, let’s pretend the Duchess is one of our gal pals and share what really happens when you have two kids in two years, shall we?

  1. Tears- lots of them. Some from your newborn and some from your toddler, but a whole lot will be from you. With a mixture of pregnancy hormones, exhaustion, and a dash of the terrible twos, it can be a real shit storm.
  2. Just like Elsa, you need to Let it Go because, honey, there is no perfect mom and there will be chaos for quite some time. Laugh at it and be like the rest of us and start a Mommy Blog.
  3. He or she that cries the loudest will get Mommy first. It’s very Darwin but then again, we are in survival mode.
  4. Expect a HUGE decline in personal hygiene. Embrace it. After a particularly long spell of not showering I thought “Why the hell would I go DAYS without showering with just ONE kid?” Flip side, our water bill went down significantly.
  5. Exhaustion is inevitable. A newborn that is up most of the night and a toddler ready to play at 7 AM on constant repeat. Coffee and Diet Coke during the day, wine at night—the Mom’s holy trinity.
  6. Get yourself some help! I was that mother that would never think of leaving her first born with a babysitter, but three months into two under two, and I basically tackled a babysitter on the playground and dragged her back to my house to watch my kids just so I could shower or maybe visit heaven alone Target alone
  7. Did you get both kids dressed, fed, out the door and to a doctor’s appointment all before 11 AM? Well then, high five yourself, Mamma! Even if it took three hours and six outfit changes, you celebrate these wins no matter how small!

Two under two

But don’t be too scared because now that I’m on the other side of those early years, I sort of feel like Gloria Estefan singing “Coming out of the dark…. I can finally see the light and it’s shining on me…

At 3 and 5, my kids are getting, dare I say, a little easier. Both kids are very independent and I don’t feel like I’m doing 100% for them day in and day out. Plus I feel like an expert in some aspects of parenting because once I wrap up one phase with the first kid, it’s quickly time for the other to start into that phase.

But more importantly, they really, really love each other. I love listening to their sweet conversations of nonsense and watching them snuggle on the couch while they watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs for the 400th time. When my son is at school, my girl misses her big bro, and when they are reunited, they hug like it’s been ages since they were together.

So even though those early days were touch and go for me, I’m glad my kids are so close in age. Would I do it all again? ………………………………………Oh, sorry I think I just blacked out for a second reliving those first few years. No, no, absolutely not.

Filed Under: Family, Laughs Tagged With: Amanda Mushro, Duchess Kate, surviving two under two, the Royal baby, The Royal family, two under two

Play Us A Song, Tiny Piano Man

January 6, 2015 by amushro

When I was nine, I announced to my family that I wanted to play the piano because I was a star in the making and would be just like Debbie Gibson tickling the ivories in her I Get Lost in Your Eyes video. But my mom burst my MTV dreams when she pulled her flute out of storage and explained if I was playing an instrument, this was it. Lame. Wait, can I play “Hanging Tough” on this thing?

For two weeks I was totally consumed with my new musical career. By week three, that old flute lost it’s luster and by week four, I got into a scuffle with my older brother and wacked him with the flute. He got a huge egg on his arm, my flute was dented, and my music career was canceled short.

It’s OK because I lack any sort of natural music ability. Although when I sing Taylor Swift songs in the car, I totally kill it.

In a moment of deja vu, my son announced, after several episodes of Little Einsteins, he needed to play the piano. Right away I started reading all sorts of research on the benefits of piano lessons for young children: higher math scores, improved coordination, and even increases in critical thinking abilities, but it would take his first piano recital to show me what I had missed in all the research.

Play us a song, Tiny Piano Man

The stars aligned last summer when we inherited a beautiful piano from a family friend. Please note the awesome bed head on piano delivery day

Piano and bed head

After his first lesson, I learned a valuable lesson about what happens when your kid starts playing an instrument: it’s just as much a commitment on the parents part (read: the mom) because you have to practice every day with your kids.

My budding piano man never complained when I pulled him away from his toys to practice. However, on the weeks I was a bad piano mom and didn’t make him practice, I would sit anxiously and full of guilt in the waiting room during his lessons because I knew it was my fault he was struggling on a new song. Even on those rough days, he still walked out with a huge smile on his face.

When it came time for his first recital, he picked his own song and within a few weeks had it memorized. But let’s get real here, the kid is five which means on recital day ANYTHING could happen.

He could go out there and rock his entire song. He could get up there and refuse to play. He could get up that morning and refuse to wear pants.

As his mom, it’s my duty to be a huge ball of nerves for him on any special event. It’s also my job to keep that crazy underwraps and not barf up my breakfast: fail.  Is this what I can expect for every performance, game, recital, or speech my kids ever give? Me trying not to barf before their big moment?

So he got up to play and I held my breath while he started playing those familiar notes.

Rainbow colors

And then he lost his place and I panicked for him. What probably took a whole ten seconds felt like a sweaty, nauseous eternity to me. I shot his teacher a worried glance hoping she would run over and rescue him, but she didn’t. Immediately I started sweating and looking at him and the piano and his teacher and then at my husband. Should I go up there? Would that help or hurt? OK, I’m counting to ten and then I’m going up there. As if my husband knew my illogical thoughts, he placed his hand in my lap, a gentle restraint.

a bit of panic

And then this happened. He started playing again, finished his song, and then something I didn’t plan on: pride. So much pride in himself.

prideWhen I thought about his piano lessons, I thought about how this would help him in the future as he made his way through school and standardized tests. I never once thought about the present and what would end up being the most worthwhile outcome of piano.

That smile.

That feeling he had the moment he was done

The pride. All the pride in himself.

So in all my worrying, stressing and attempts to not vomit at the recital, I never imagined that boy’s face at the end. So lesson learned. Yes, piano may help him on his fractions homework in a few years and will probably help him get a few dates with the ladies in dozen years (barf),but for right now,  I’m just basking in the glow of this face

That face

Filed Under: Family, Laughs, Uncategorized

Blunt Moms is Sharing My Terrible Twos Woes

December 5, 2014 by amushro

Now I am fully aware that this face is adorable. Like so adorable it’s a wonder I can control myself to not eat those adorable cheeks. The struggle is real, people.

Terrible Twos?

 

But even though we are approaching the three and a half mark, the memories of the “terrible twos” STILL haunts me. *shivers in fear* Even though her tantrums have somewhat subsided, she makes sure her opinions are heard with So. Much. Sass. Seriously, I have no idea what the teenage years have in store for us, but it ain’t good, I tell you that.

I really love the ladies over at Blunt Moms and I am thrilled that they ran my “Terrible Twos Aren’t So Bad and Other Lies I Tell Myself” post. So if you are a terrible twos survivor or you are knee deep in tantrums, head over and give it a read and  share your expedience! We can all get through these tantrums together!

Filed Under: Laughs, Uncategorized Tagged With: Amanda Mushro, Blunt Moms, guest post, terrible twos

The Importance of Naming Your Freckles

December 2, 2014 by amushro

Sometimes I lie in bed in the morning and calmly think “It might not seem like it now, but we’re already late.” And within twenty minutes all hell breaks loose and I’m throwing shoes and socks at kids while I bark orders like “Did you brush your teeth? Come breathe on me so I can check.”

On one particular crazy morning, I had the boy in the typical teeth brushing headlock and through toothpaste foam he whispered “I hate this thing on my face”

“What thing, pal? Also we don’t say ‘hate.’ That’s not a nice word”

“I don’t like this freckle on my face” he said as he pointed to the first freckle that every showed up on his sweet little face.

In that moment, a thousand panicked thoughts raced through my mind

Is someone making fun of him at school? Why would he say something like that? Have we already started the phrase where other kids pick out your features and tease you relentlessly for them?  Oh Dear God, I am not prepared for this stage of life. Please, Lord, give me strength to not hunt down some five-year-old on the playground and release my inner Mamma Bear because he or she has made fun of my baby. Where is my husband? He needs to hold me back before I do something crazy!

The Importance of Naming a Freckle

I broke out of my insane inner dialogue when he scrubbed that freckle harshly with his fingernails.

“Buddy, Mommy LOVES that freckle. It’s my absolute favorite freckle on you. It’s just like my freckles. See?” as I point to a face covered in freckles from years of sun worship.  Even though these days I cover everyone within a 400 yard radius of me with heavy-duty sunblock, I’ve learned to embrace my freckles (mainly because they hide zits and wrinkles).

A Mommy Light Bulb Moment hits me,” I’ve got an idea! What if we name your freckle? That would be so silly! What do you think we should name this freckle?”

“Boobies,” he says through a smirk.

“What?”

“Bobbies,” he repeats but this time through a straight face.

And just like that, I am brought back from my crazy Mamma Bear rants and reminded that my sweet boy who has inherited my freckle face has inherited his father’s sense of humor. Boobies are funny when you’re five and still funny when you are 35.

“We are most certainly NOT naming your freckle Boobies,” I argue only to hear my daughter chanting  “Boobies, boobies, boobies!” behind us.

“STOP! No more boobies!” I yell!

“Boobies” he whispered and rushed to get his socks and shoes on for school.

Days later, I still have no idea why he suddenly became self conscience of that freckle, and if you ask him what his freckle’s name is, he’ll tell you.  So this growing pains moment was totally saved  not because of my parenting expertise but  because of  boobies.

Filed Under: Family, Laughs, Uncategorized

So Very Thankful but Not Really Thankful for This.

November 25, 2014 by amushro

Friends, I really love Thanksgiving. I love the family time, I love the idea of celebrating all we are thankful for, and I love going to my mother’s house and lying on the floor while my children run around me and my mom cooks an amazeballs meal. I try to help, but she rushes me out of the kitchen, and, to be honest, I am so very thankful she does that. So when my friend Jessica from Herd Management  asked me what I was NOT Thankful for on Turkey Day, I hung my head in shame because while my kids have inherited my love of Nutella, the beach, and Charlie Brown cartoons, they did not inherit my love for the Macy ‘s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love the dancers, the floats, the bands, and get a little thrill when Santa wraps up the parade. But my kids really aren’t interested. So every year, I watch by myself and yell “Hey, come and see this giant float of Hello Kitty. You’ll love it!” only to be ignored.  Sad, but true.

Head over to see what my other blogger pals had to add to the Not Thankful List. Seriously, it’s a hoot. Then come back and tell me what you are NOT Thankful for this year!

Thankful

Filed Under: Laughs, Uncategorized

How to Make Sure Your Husband has a Terrible Birthday

November 10, 2014 by amushro

What does a toenail, a car battery, and an expensive vet bill all have in common? Well, friends, that’s exactly what my husband got for the celebration of his birth this year.

Before we had kids, birthdays were a really big deal for the two of us. Now our birthdays are celebrated in between hockey and dance classes with a crappy cake from the grocery store. But this year would be different, I was going to plan a fabulous birthday dinner for my husband (read: get a babysitter and make reservations). But we know what happens to our best laid plans…

Bad Birthday

Five minutes before our babysitter was set to show up for my husband’s big birthday date night, I giggled that I was signing his birthday card with a broken crayon and was really feeling guilty that I couldn’t come up with a good gift for him. Eh, at least I had reservations to a fancy new restaurant and would make out with him after dinner. That would totally make up for my crayon scribbled card and lack of an inventive gift, right?

Just as I put the last xo on his card, I heard the running footsteps and the panicked cries of my son, “Mommy, come quick. Suggie is hurt!”

Racing downstairs, I ran every scenario over in my head. Maybe our old dog got into a fight with  that creep poodle across the street, or maybe that Yorkie from three houses down finally got revenge for all the time Suggie pees in his yard.  When I hit the bottom steps I found what can only be described as a horror movie: blood up and down the staircase. It could’ve been a scene from The Walking Dead (minus the zombies and Daryl)

Her toenails had gotten too long and when she was running up the stairs, one got caught in the carpet and………. *shivers*

You would think after having two kids and several undesirable situations with bodily fluids I could handle this from my dog, but then you would be totally wrong because I was feeling woozy and was going down for the count. My husband had an injured dog in his arms, was blocking kids from the bloody mess with his body, and used his foot to prop me up from sliding down the stairs. And they say men don’t multi-task.

Aaron carried a towel wrapped Suggie out to his car and I ran after them clutching tissues and credit cards knowing both would be put to good use at the after hours emergency vet. But I stalled when I opened the door to Aaron’s car.

There wasn’t a single goldfish cracker anywhere. How could anything we own not contain at least one goldfish cracker? At this point, I just assumed the kids shed the fish like skin.

“Babe!” Aaron barked from the back, “Let’s go!”

When I turned the key, the car sputtered and faltered.

I tried again. Sputter, sputter, sputter, silence.

The battery is dead. The battery in the freaking car is dead. Of course it is.

New plan: get into my car, spend a small fortune at the emergency vet, call AAA, spend another small fortune, drink LOTS of wine when we return home.

We handed over a sad injured dog and the emergency vet returned our gal to us looking like this:

Suggie

I’ve heard that after a while dogs and their owners start to look alike. Here is Suggie all hopped up on pain meds. Oddly enough, this is exactly what I look like after drinking a bottle of wine!

Sick Suggie

While waiting for the AAA guy to install a new battery in the middle of the night, I helped myself to the wine  I planned on sharing with Aaron. Because nothing says “I love you, birthday boy!” like your wife lulled to sleep on the couch after inhaling a half a bottle of  pino grigo.

So this birthday celebration was an epic fail, but Suggie is on the mend, I’ve promised Aaron a do-over birthday, and to think, I was worried I wouldn’t have a gift for him. However, there are no returns on the black toe nail and car battery.

Filed Under: Laughs, Uncategorized Tagged With: Amanda Mushro, dogs, parenting humor, pets, runied birthdays

Halloween Costumes That Scare the Pants Off Parents

October 28, 2014 by amushro

Halloween is scary, ya’ll and I’m not talking about ghosts and goblins or the three pounds of candy that is sitting on my dining room table saying “eat me…eat me.”

Please, we are parents! We ain’t afraid of no ghosts! But there are a lot of things that scare us–lice, Common Core Math, the flu– and in the spirit of Halloween some of my favorite bloggers got together to show what would truly terrify parents on our doorstep on Halloween. The results? HILARIOUS!

For me it was my daughter, turning into me as a TEEN! Ahhhh, the horror! I can’t imagine anything worse than my gal being a snotty teen that has horrible taste in boyfriends.

But, Daddy, I love him!

Scary, right?

Now head over to Jessica’s page at Herd Management and check out the other hilarious costumes and tell me your favorite!

Filed Under: Laughs, Uncategorized Tagged With: Amanda Mushro, Halloween, parents worst nightmare, Scary costumes, teenage girls dating

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