Channing Tatum

I’m Guest Blogging and Oversharing

March 26, 2013 by amushro

The super funny Stephanie over at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion has started a new series on her blog called Oversharing: I Ain’t Scarrred! She has asked bloggers to share humiliating, private, traumatic, and just down right hilarious stories with her readers. It really is pretty magical—like a unicorn!

Today she is featuring my piece and I have to give you a bit of a warning. If reading about girly parts gone wrong is not for you, no problem! Check out my blog for other posts to read or puruse my Facebook page for pictures of Channing Tatum.

If you are intrigued by a story of my girly parts (pervert), click here to me check me out!

Returning the Love: How I Plan to Make His Valentine’s Day Not Suck

February 12, 2013 by amushro

Since the shelves at my local pharmacy are lined with heart-shaped boxes of candy, creepy stuffed animals dressed as Cupid, and cards with pictures of dogs holding signs declaring “I woof you,” Valentine’s Day must be a comin’.

In my typical over-the-top-mom fashion, I planned three meals for the kids that will all be heart-shaped, picked out the type of candy that I like best since I will eat ¾ of it, the house will be covered in construction paper hearts, and Monkey and Mimi will receive special Valentine’s Day presents from Mommy and Daddy. *pats self on back*

While I would never dream of not making this a special holiday for my kids, my husband might not get such special attention. It really doesn’t seem fair because he really tries to go out of his way to make my Valentine’s Day special. Here is how it will go: he will send me beautiful flowers because he knows I am a sucker for flowers, he will pull out the big guns and sign them from the kids (I am tearing up already), he will buy me more candy that I will hide from the children and eat in the privacy of my closet, he will take me to a fancy dinner where I will eat too much calorie laden food and drink too much red wine, he will bring me home fat, full, and tipsy where I shall pass out from a food comma and dash all of his hopes of getting a little frisky on this romantic holiday. What a lucky guy, huh?

This year, I promise to put the same effort into his Valentine’s Day as I do the kids’ day. So here goes nothing, this is what he can expect:

1. I promise to shave above the knee and landscape all of my girly parts. I know, I know—you real fancy, girl!

2. When we go out, I am going all out: hair, makeup, nails, pre-baby underwear, and no yoga pants! I also promise to wear a name tag so that you can recognize me. I don’t want to startle you too much with this fancy new me.

3. When we are out to dinner, I will refrain from nagging about the fact that the back yard is a muddy mess, nagging about the garbage cans not taken in the back the same day as trash pickup, nagging about the fact we need to pick a date for our summer vacation, nagging—-OK how about I just shut my trap for the day and put a ban on nagging. Just for one day because I don’t think I could handle more than one day.

4. If we go to a movie, I will let you pick! Go crazy, big guy! Although I really love anything with Bradley Cooper, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, or George Clooney, but you can totally pick the movie. It’s just that I really hate scary movies, but you already know that. But go ahead, you pick. Just nothing that is too long because I will get sleepy. How about nothing with a wizard, elf, or a light saber? OK, go ahead and pick.

5. You can expect to come home to a romantic scene of candlelight and soft music. Just kidding! We have two small kids and I will probably be sleepy by nine o’clock. How about I make you a deal, you get to watch ESPN and I won’t complain? Done!

And that, my friends, is how you keep your husband happy on this romantic holiday!

Liar, Liar Magic Mike’s Pants on Fire

February 8, 2013 by amushro

Do you smell that? Those would be my pants…on fire. According to my kids, I am a big, fat liar. Now I really don’t make it a habit to pull a Pinocchio and lie to everyone; however, my kids seem to turn me into a liar whenever I act like I know them so well. You know the drill, we get my parents on Skype and I tell Mimi to “show them what an elephant does.” Five minutes ago she did her hilarious elephant impression that had us all cracking up, but the second I ask her to show my parents— silence. My poor parents wait anxiously while crowded around their laptop for Mimi to do something, anything. All they get is a blank stare. Awesome.

Monkey is no better. This kid would sooner lose a limb than eat anything green (aside from a Shamrock Shake), but when he is at my in-laws, apparently the kid can’t get enough green beans. What is going on? I would swear up and down he would never eat green beans, and ten minutes later, the kid has eaten his weight beans.

See? Apparently I am a liar.

It would seem that Magic Mike has a way of making my friend Coco a liar too. Oh now, I’ve got your attention, huh.

A few months ago, Coco started her nightly check-in on her two boys. She thought she was going to find her sweet, two-year-old all snuggled in his footie jammies hugging his Big Bird doll. However, she was a shocked to find her boy had pulled a Magic Mike and stripped down butt naked and fell asleep with his little hiney in the air. For a few weeks, Magic Mike made an appearance every night. Now if the Magic Mike showing up every night is Channing Tatum, then yes, I will allow it. However, when your Magic Mike is a naked kid that is seconds away from making a huge, disgusting mess in his crib, uhhhh no thanks. Put your diaper back on.

Always the thinker, Coco started putting Magic Mike’s jammies on backwards and thwarted his evil nightly plans. That’s using your brain, Mamma!

This weekend Coco and I were chatting about how our first borns were early crib-jumpers, and we foolishly laughed at how nice it is that our second kids would never dream of jumping out of their cribs. Also, because we are both crazy and had two kids in two years, our oldest babies had to figure a few things out pretty quickly, like walking up and down stairs. When your Mommy is super preggers and you are only 18 months old, you have to tackle stair climbing pretty quickly, but Mimi and Magic Mike are quite spoiled and still demand to be carried up and down the stairs.

Last night Coco hears a few strange sounds and thinks it may be one of her boys waking up. At first she ignores it, but she hears the small voice again. She climbs out of bed and puts her ear to each of their doors…nothing. Then she hears a noise downstairs! She creeps down the steps, turns the corner and screams when she walks right into a naked Magic Mike. You know, the non-crib jumping, can’t walk down steps, stopped taking all of his clothes off, Magic Mike. Yeah that one.

It was like Magic Mike knew his mom would be telling everyone how he never does this and that, and he just had to make her a liar. I bet he was plotting this move for months, listening in on her conversations daily, doing push ups every night in his crib, planning a Shawshank Redemption escape. I mean this really took some time and consideration. The kid took off his clothes, climbed out of the crib, opened the bedroom door, climbed over the babygate in the doorway, closed the door, walked down the stairs and decided to what, grab a snack, maybe chocolate milk?

Remember the game two truths and a lie? Let’s play, shall we?

1. Coco clearly has her hands full with Magic Mike and his stealthy night moves.

2. Monkey and Mimi will continue to find ways to make me a big ole’ liar.

3. Watching a movie about tanned, over sexed, muscular, gorgeous, dancing men is completely offensive and no woman (or large groups of women) should subject themselves to this kind of film.