Questionable Choices in Parenting

Laughing at life as a parent so they don't commit me

Returning the Love: How I Plan to Make His Valentine’s Day Not Suck

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Since the shelves at my local pharmacy are lined with heart-shaped boxes of candy, creepy stuffed animals dressed as Cupid, and cards with pictures of dogs holding signs declaring “I woof you,” Valentine’s Day must be a comin’.

Valentine's Day is a comin'

In my typical over-the-top-mom fashion, I planned three meals for the kids that will all be heart-shaped, picked out the type of candy that I like best since I will eat ¾ of it, the house will be covered in construction paper hearts, and Monkey and Mimi will receive special Valentine’s Day presents from Mommy and Daddy. *pats self on back*

While I would never dream of not making this a special holiday for my kids, my husband might not get such special attention. It really doesn’t seem fair because he really tries to go out of his way to make my Valentine’s Day special. Here is how it will go: he will send me beautiful flowers because he knows I am a sucker for flowers, he will pull out the big guns and sign them from the kids (I am tearing up already), he will buy me more candy that I will hide from the children and eat in the privacy of my closet, he will take me to a fancy dinner where I will eat too much calorie laden food and drink too much red wine, he will bring me home fat, full, and tipsy where I shall pass out from a food comma and dash all of his hopes of getting a little frisky on this romantic holiday. What a lucky guy, huh?

This year, I promise to put the same effort into his Valentine’s Day as I do the kids’ day. So here goes nothing, this is what he can expect:

1. I promise to shave above the knee and landscape all of my girly parts. I know, I know—you real fancy, girl!

2. When we go out, I am going all out: hair, makeup, nails, pre-baby underwear, and no yoga pants! I also promise to wear a name tag so that you can recognize me. I don’t want to startle you too much with this fancy new me.

3. When we are out to dinner, I will refrain from nagging about the fact that the back yard is a muddy mess, nagging about the garbage cans not taken in the back the same day as trash pickup, nagging about the fact we need to pick a date for our summer vacation, nagging—-OK how about I just shut my trap for the day and put a ban on nagging. Just for one day because I don’t think I could handle more than one day.

4. If we go to a movie, I will let you pick! Go crazy, big guy! Although I really love anything with Bradley Cooper, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, or George Clooney, but you can totally pick the movie.  It’s just that I really hate scary movies, but you already know that. But go ahead, you pick. Just nothing that is too long because I will get sleepy. How about nothing with a wizard, elf,  or a light saber? OK, go ahead and pick.

Pick a Movie!

5. You can expect to come home to a romantic scene of candlelight and soft music. Just kidding! We have two small kids and I will probably be sleepy by nine o’clock. How about I make you a deal, you get to watch ESPN and I won’t complain? Done!

And that, my friends, is how you keep your husband happy on this romantic holiday!

Bringing Date Night Back!

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By 3:45 on Fridays, I have nothing left to give. Nothing!  I am half the woman I was on Wednesday and a shell of the woman I was Monday morning. Before I took on the title of Stay at Home Mamma, I worked outside of the house and I really thought I understood the whole TGIF thing. But now it is TGIFAMHWBHTH- Thank God it’s Friday and my husband will be home to help-try putting that on a bumper sticker. However, this Friday was different. This Friday was special.  This Friday was pretty epic. My mantra at 3:45 was TGIFAWHAB- Thank God it’s Friday and we have a babysitter!

Babysitter

As of late, our date nights have been few and far between. When we do make it out as a couple, we usually end up at a late dinner with me trying not to fall asleep in my sushi or at a movie that I am snoring at because, let’s be honest, no movie should start after 9:30 PM.  You know the drill, you get a few precious moments out as a couple but spend the entire time talking about something hilarious, funny, or ridiculous one or both of the kids did that week– suckers.

Date Night

No more of this nonsense! I refuse to have another sleepy date night this week. Not only was I getting a night of dinner and drinks with my Hubby, we were going out with my favorite gal pal and her husband! Super fancy! Watch out!

Remember when going out with another couple was easy breezy?  Now it is a covert mission that takes strategic planning. Days before the big night out you need to coordinate all interested party members’ schedules.

Your babysitter will be there at what time? How long is the drive to this joint? How much traffic will you hit if you leave work early? Does this place serve wine?

I contacted my favorite babysitter and tried to bribe her to hang with my kids on Friday so Hubby and I could have a carefree evening. “Bring your boyfriend”, I told her, “just don’t make out on my couch”. On second thought, you can totally make out on my couch if it means I get free night with wine, adult conversation, and I get out of bed and bath duty. Just make sure the kids are asleep first.

Gone are the days of simply jumping in the shower, getting ready, and heading out the day. No, no no. In order to pull off this night, I needed to take some careful steps that actually took all day to fulfill:

  1. Extra coffee and Diet Coke to ensure I would not fall asleep at the table during appetizers
  2. Shower early in the day to allow enough time for primping. This means you will have two kids talking to you while you shave your legs.
  3. Apply makeup and fix your hair while the kids are eating dinner. This part was sort of a fail because Mimi followed me into the bathroom and inhaled some toxic fumes from my hairspray.  Ehh, a little aerosol never hurt Mommy, toughen up kid!
  4. Don’t let your three year old see you getting dressed. He may ask you “where are the rest of your underwear? Those look silly, Mommy.”  However, he did tell me that I looked beautiful when I was done getting ready so I forgave him for the thong comment.

When Mimi is really excited she does this crazy dance where she runs in place to show her joy. I busted out the same joyful running man dance when I heard the babysitter’s car pull up. We all jumped up and down and cheered “Ashley is here!  Ashley is here! ”

I'm so excited!

When I walked out the front door, it was as if someone was blasting George Michael’s “Freedom” down the street. Come on, you know you want to sing. Go ahead.

Freedom

As I was skipping (yes skipping) to my car, I sort of giggled about the days of being a new mom when leaving my kids killed me. Now I was all “peace out, tiny humans!” I waved to them in my rearview mirror.

Being out alone when you have small children at home is sort of like a science experiment. Even though you know your kids aren’t there, it still takes a while for the reality to settle in. You are still sort of tense because you expect to hear the scream of a pissed off kid in a high chair and when the food comes you start cutting it up in little pieces and blowing on it until you realize you are off duty tonight.

Fortunately, my gal pal and I are a hoot and we totally entertained our husbands with out witty remarks and loud stories–or that is how it seemed after a few glasses of wine.  The food was good, the company was great, and the kids were asleep like little angels when we got home. What more could I ask for on a Friday night (my kids to sleep in on Saturday)?