amushro

Keep it together, Mom. Keep it together.

September 11, 2013 by amushro

By now you know that I’m pretty useless during natural disasters (dam earthquakes) and fortunately for my kids and my nerves, we have only had minor boo boos and just a few trips to the local ER. Why did I even write that? Quick, someone knock on wood! But we haven’t been so lucky in the teeth department because even though he has the sweetest smile, my little man has a mouth full of cavities.

Because he is only four and he went bananas on the lady that attempted to take x-rays of his mouth, the dentist recommended that we bang out all of his dental issues while he is in the hospital under careful sedation. And, I’m crying again…

Of course there are millions of scenarios that could be so much worse, dangerous and life threatening, but really it’s all about perspective and what you are going through in that minute. While I am thanking my lucky stars that this is not very serious, I’m still super freaked out and have every intention of losing my shit the minute my kid has been sedated.

At his pre-op appointment with the pediatrician, I asked the nurse to stop calling it “surgery” because my heart can’t take it. When the Doc asked me if I needed anything else, my reply of “how about a couple of Valium?” fell flat on my none-too-impressed audience. I mean dang, I was just kidding (no I wasn’t).

My panic over this procedure has me pulling out the big guns, and I headed off to church to light every candle I could get my hands on. I think I learned in CCD class that candle lighting is the fastest way to get your intentions heard, right? I left the kids at home because I thought it was best to not to have evil feelings of snatching your kids up by their armpit because they are misbehaving in church while laying the prayers on thick. When a little old lady walked by the candles I felt like the mean kids on the bus on Forrest Gump, but I was saying “candles taken.”

My boy is precious cargo and I’m not one that holds in my tears well. The dentist said only one parent can go back with him while he is being sedated and it needs to be the strongest parent. Hubby nodded and said “Guess I will be going in with him.”

Ummmm, acca-scuse me?

No, no you will not go back with him. I’m his mother. I’m the one that birthed him. I’m the one that will be with him while he’s sedated.

When he’s scared, it’s me he wants.

When he’s sick, it’s me he wants.

Am I going to hold it together during most of this process. No, but I promise to only cry in the bathroom where he can’t see me.

Will I threaten to maim the dentist, dental assistant, and the anesthesiologist if my boy isn’t 100%? Yes, yes I will.

Will I drink the largest bottle of wine when this thing is all over? Yes, are you buying?

So on Friday send some positive thoughts my little man’s way, will ya? And if you have any extra Valium hanging around your house, send it my way. I kid, I kid (no I’m not).

I’m Over at One Classy Motha with Helpful Tips

September 3, 2013 by amushro

Pacifier addiction is a real and very serious issue. It effects millions of families each year. That is why I am hanging out with Kim from One Classy Motha to share my story about paci addiction and how my latest invention can help those in your family suffering from pacifier addiction. Click here to find me.

After you read my post, click around and check out what is going on at One Classy Motha; seriously she is a HOOT and you will thank me later.

Five things my kids will never be able to say to Dr. Phil

August 30, 2013 by amushro

Even the most well-intentioned parent messes up, a lot. Honestly, I’m probably giving my kids plenty of ammo if they feel the need to take their grievances national to somewhere like The Dr. Phil Show.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the good doctor and love hearing him tell guests whose lives are in self-induced shambles “so how is that working for you?” Better yet is when he fires off a warning to a lippy guest who is getting a bit testy with his line of questioning with “this ain’t my first rodeo.”

But as much as I love Dr. Phil and his quick witted quips, I have no desire for my family to end up on daytime television boo-hooing about what I did to ruin their lives.

So before I blink and my kids have all but grown up, I want to make it clear to them…

“My mom didn’t hug and kiss me enough”– Nonsense! There is little I enjoy more than cuddling and smooching these two knuckleheads. Since they are so little, I get away with lots of mommy love, but I am fully prepared to demand a little sugar even when they are teens and they think I’m the worst thing ever. Even if my kids have officially banned PDAs, I will sneak into their rooms at night, tuck them in, and kiss their sweet faces. They should just learn now there really is no way of getting away from me.
“My mom never made sacrifices for me” Let’s see, where should I start? The stomach that I could bounce a quarter off now has the familiar “mom squish.” When I sneeze, I have to cross my legs just in case. Once I had high, perky boobs; now they just seem sad and sorta lopsided. How about the hours and hours of sleep lost? The bazillions of dollars spent on diapers, butt creams, and random baby gadgets! Lots of sacrifices, but it’s cool because you two are worth it. The stretch marks are a bit much, but I can forgive the rest.
“My mom was never in my corner”- The day that I birthed my bambinos, I gained the title of “Mamma” and “Personal Cheerleader.” So for the good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the big, and the small, no one and I mean NO ONE will cheer louder and stand stronger in their corner than their Mamma. If need be, I will bust out my pom poms from my high school cheerleader days.

Here’s the thing, I’m going to be their cheerleader as long as I’m around. That mean when they are married I will say “Hey husband/wife, who better NEVER move my kids hundreds of miles away from me, here’s a pom pom, let’s get our cheer on.” See I can share.

Is there’s something they want to do, we’ll make a plan and figure out how they can accomplish it. If their big dreams don’t work out, I’ll show them how to make new ones. Because that’s what Moms and personal cheerleaders do.

4. “My mom never tried to make us happy”– Maybe they thought we spent hours on the playground because I really enjoy the spiral slide, or the days at the pool were because I really liked the tans lines from my tankini. Clearly we watch hours of Doc McStuffins and Sesame Street because it’s such riving television. Nope, sorry, Charlie. I do these things and pretty much 99.99% of our daily activities because it makes them happy. And their dirty, smiling faces make me happy.

5. “My mom didn’t love me” Have you ever loved someone so much that it’s just too big and too fabulous to understand? Have you ever loved someone so much it actually scares the bejeezus out of you? That’s how I feel about those two.

However, if my kids wanted to take me on the Dr. Phil show for, oh I don’t know, a chance to just hang out with his wife Robin or if he is handing out tummy tucks, then yes, sign me up. Otherwise, we shall just enjoy the musings of the Dr. from the comfort of our home.

Guest Posting as the Mom of the Year During Natural Disasters

August 26, 2013 by amushro

This morning was just like every other morning: my children were awoken from their slumber by their loving mother singing perfectly tuned songs from The Sound of Music. Those lovely babes joined in for the chorus as we baked a wholesome breakfast together and rounded out the morning with a quick hot yoga session. Just kidding, one is still wearing dirty jammies, I forgot to brush the other’s teeth, and I may swing through McDonald’s for breakfast. Mornings like this are exactly why the funny, sweet, and hottie Meredith over at Mom of the Year has bestowed the honor of joining the ranks of her Mom of the Year on little ol’ hot mess me!

I started writing my acceptance speech and perfecting my pageant wave, but then she said I just needed to write a blog. So click right here to be magically transported to her page and imagine me waving and smiling while riding the Mom of the Year float, sigh…

Class reunions, what’s on my Kindle, what’s in my fridge, and what’s on my fridge: Mommy TMI vlog

August 23, 2013 by amushro

Friends, you may need to help me out because I’m a bit woozy from lack of food. You see, my class reunion is right around the corner and I am hoping that what “baby weight” (use this term loosely when the “baby” is two) that isn’t squeezed in by the almighty Spanx, will magically disappear if I eat a lot of Lean Cuisines this week. I was doing well until I baked cookies with the kids. DAM YOU CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!

This week’s vlog is a magic bag of randomness, but I like it. Be sure to catch the giveaway, book selections, and my super secret recipe below!

Want to enter the giveaway? Then click right here!

fabsmile

Here are my book selections:

Questionable Choices in Parenting: Professional Playground Inspector

August 20, 2013 by amushro

I’ve started a new career and wanted to share it with all of you. If you’re in need of my services, no need to fear, I’m cheap! Look, I even made up a new business card for myself. Check it out:

That’s right, folks, I’m adding Professional Playground Inspector to my resume of Mamma, Diet Coke addict, human tissue, yoga pants enthusiast, and blogger.

Since we spend a vast majority of our time frequenting the local playgrounds, I have acquired the ability to access any playground and tell you in 30 seconds which devices will lead to a trip to the ER, magic mommy kisses, or Mamma wanting to add wine to her water bottle.

Now don’t you fret, I’m not one of those panicked moms that follows her kids around the playground wringing her hands and yelling things like “Not too high, sweetie” and “Be safe!!! Mommy LOVES YOU!”

My kids are the ones that hit the mulch running when they are faced with a tot lot, but I’ve learned a few things while building my Playground Inspector career; after all, I have a four-year old with a Superman complex (for real, he tries to fly) and an Evil Knievel wanna-be two-year old.

Here are the top three offenders:

While The Bridge of Death may seem harmless, don’t let its gentle downward slope fool you. Both of my kids have face planted on this bridge when they’ve run too fast or tried to get around another playgrounder. If you are out early in the morning and the fresh dew is still sparkling on the equipment, be prepared to have that hole pattern etched into your precious one’s face.

The Tunnel of Terror may seem like the typical slide, but be warned that it’s so much more. This slide has the ability to gain so much momentum and speed that your child will come flying down the tube faster than a greased pig racing downhill. So get into your catcher’s stance and be prepared to lasso your rocketed child at the bottom.

The Drop of Doom has claimed many victims. Sometimes it’s the ones with short legs, but also the ones with short attention spans. “Let’s climb to the top and….oh wait, is that a shiny rock…” Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Now it’s time for you to lace up those sneakers (or attach the velcro on your kid’s shoes), pack some Goldfish crackers and water bottles, and have fun at the playground. Just proceed with caution and remember my warnings, friends. Remember, I am a professional.

Now it’s your turn! Is there a part of the playground you steer your kids from?

A #FabSmile or Two and a Giveaway from Floss and Brush!

August 17, 2013 by amushro

I really wasn’t a germaphobe until I had kids. I mean I’ve seen what germs can do when they steamroll through an entire family. As a parent, you feel terrible when your little ones are sick. If your husband is under the weather, the word is ending (according to him), and if Mamma gets sick, well, this ship is going down.

So because of these nasty germs that invade us in so many ways, I’m constantly preaching and practicing cover your mouth when you cough and wash your hands to everyone in this house.

So imagine my shock, surprise and gag reflex when I was watching Dr. Oz discuss germs and bacteria inside your home. He said the “normal” amount of bacteria for a surface is around 80, but our toothbrushes usually contain double that amount. If you’re headed straight the your bathroom to throw your toothbrush away, I’ll wait.

You’re back? Oh good because I have something that may make you feel better about the yuckies on your family’s toothbrushes. These silly fools and their #FabSmile

Sometimes brushing my kids’ teeth can be a little “interesting” actually it feels more like a wrestling match, but they do have the sweetest smiles. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do just to see these munchkins say “cheeeeessseee” for the camera.

So that is why FlossAndBrush.com has actually helped me out by easing some of my germ fears and making my life a little easier.

The American Dental Association recommends replacing your toothbrush every three months. FlossAndBrush.com makes it easy to always have new toothbrushes every three months for everyone in your family. By paying just $1.00 per month, per person in your family, FlossAndBrush.com will ship a box of fresh, quality toothbrushes and floss to your home – one for each member of your family.

Unless you are some sort of amazing coupon queen, you can’t beat this deal. Plus each time you receive a delivery, you know it’s time to change out your family’s toothbrushes. A great deal and helpful? Yes please!

FlossandBrush.com is actually the first company to offer this service and you can even add-on teeth whitening gel to your orders. This is always good for those of us that have had a little too much coffee over the years, right?

Here is where it gets good, the GIVEAWAY!

Prize:

The giveaway is valued at $107 and includes the following:

1 Free Annual FAB Membership (every three months, a new toothbrush and 3 month supply of flows will arrive at your winner’s doorstep)
1 Free Annual FAB + White4Life Memberships (this includes not only a toothbrush and floss every three months but each shipment will also include FAB’s professional grade whitening to be used in custom whitening trays)

Requirements:

Visit FAB’s Pinterest page and repin an image from any one of the “Smile Boards” that makes you smile. Include a description in your pin that explains why it makes you smile. Include the #FABsmile hashtag in the pin. Come back to this post and share the link to the pin in order to enter for a chance to win.
Sign up for FlossAndBrush.com’s mailing list: http://bit.ly/17Tjoof.

Good luck! The winner will be picked in one week!

If you want to know more about FlossAndBrush.com and their services, you can find them here:

Stalking Your Kids = Parenting, you are doing it right

August 14, 2013 by amushro

Stalking is illegal in all fifty states, but to that I say felony-smelony. Let’s find the fun side of stalking! I mean I get the whole “illegal” and super creepy aspect if you’re stalking a celebrity or an ex. Although stalking someone like Ryan Gosling would really be more sport than stalking. And come on, I have no good reason to not stalk an ex because

My husband is adorable, has all of his hair, and for some unknown reason thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas.
All of my exs are big, fat losers—that’s why they’re an ex. If you happen to be one of my exs and you are reading this…. Hello, and not you. You were great. (But really him too, he was awful too)

While the penalties for stalking can be pretty dicey, there is one type of stalking I approve, condone and practice: stalking your children.

Stalking your kids is even better if you have an equally efficient and effective (read: cray cray) mom stalker just like you. This is where my fav gal pal Coco comes in handy; plus she is a lawyer in case we need any representation while stalking.

Right now our kids are young and the stalking is mainly to observe, swoon, and giggle at how our kids act and react when we aren’t around; however, polishing our stalking skills now will serve us well when they are tweens and teens (shudders at the thought).

If you are new to stalking, no worries! I have compiled five easy steps to make stalking your children easy and fun. Follow along!

1. Timing is everything: Angle your swagger wagon so that you can see them exiting the premise. Three busses on the field trip? No problem, feel free to pull in between those buses in order to “monitor” their speed and driving precision.

2. Spot the targets carefully: At no time do you want to be detected. Stay far away from them as they enter the new location and take your seat far enough away that your cover is not blown. Use human shields if necessary. Are you in the clear? Good! Now enjoy your subjects kids as they engage in fun under your watchful eye

3 Documentation: Secret stalker pictures like this are key. Save all pictures for research and prosperity.

4. Deny all allegations against you: Upon arrival of pickup, if one Miss Chatty Cathy tries to out you by saying “I saw you today” quickly answer “No, no, no silly girl,” knock over the rack of dress up clothes to distract her, and run away.

5. Reward Yourself on a Successful Mission: If all of the steps are successful, make a quick getaway to Starbucks for a grande, skinny caramel macchiato and a muffin. You’ve done well, lady.

Stalking is usually frowned upon in most circles, but it’s embraced around here. So until they have GPS devices installed in kids’ underwear…wait do they have GPS panties? Ohhhhh I am claiming this brilliant idea now: GPS undies ™ I’m going to make a fortune!

Let me revise, until GPS undies ™ are on the market, my secret stalking missions will continue. If we see each other out on our next “outing” just give me a little nod, I’ll know why you are hanging around the shadows.

A Mixer, a Vlog, and Kids: Sounds like the beginning of a joke!

August 8, 2013 by amushro

Well hello there!

You know, blogging with kids can be ridiculously impossible; trying to vlog with kids, just book me a ticket to crazy town. So this week I decided to let the kids join me while I vlogged.

Here is what I learned:

Without children I can form sentences and sound articulate and prepared.
With children, I can barely put two words together and just ramble. Blah, blah, blah, blah
I need to fix my hair for the next vlog
Even with dirty faces, my kids are super cute (OK, I already knew that but wait until you see them C-U-T-E)

My favorite ladies Christine and Janene from More Than Mommies asked me to join their Mixer today as “The Life of the Party”, and, let me tell you, I am totally the life of the party—well I used to be. Now I am sleepy at 8:30 zzzzzzzz. Luckily we are mixing it up during the day and we would love for you to join us!

Here are the “rules”

(Don’t make us post bouncers at the door.)

Follow your Hostesses – Christine and Janene from More Than Mommies

Follow our Co-Hostess – Meredith at The Mom of The Year

Follow the Life of The Party – Amanda at Questionable Choices in Parenting

– We will choose someone who signs up via Twitter on the Linky below to be our LOTP each week. We love to keep up with all of you on twitter–so tweet with our hashtag (#MTMmixer) so we can find you!

Follow our Mixologist – Ann at Such a Mama

– Every week we will choose one participant to get our party started at the #4 slot. All you have to do is link up under the first Linky (and follow the “rules”) to be considered! If you really want to host – just leave us a comment!!!

Add your Post/Twitter ID/Blog URL to the Linky it belongs in.

Follow the person directly BEFORE you on the hop!

Finally, we ask that you post one (or both) of our buttons in either a post or on your sidebar to let other people know where you are partying today!

Link up your Blog:

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Link up your Twitter Handle:

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Link up your Facebook Page

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Link up your Pinterest Boards:

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Link up your Mommy TMI Vlog Post

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