husband

Lean on Me, Actually Don’t. Get Off Me…

April 29, 2013 by amushro

Having kids has caused me a serious case of momnesia. This kid induced disease often has me searching endlessly for keys, failed attempts of looking for my lost cell phone while I am talking on that lost cell phone, and the dreaded walking into a room and thinking “What the hell did I come in here for?”

While momnesia and its nasty side effects has me walking around like a half wit, I never have to worry that I will lose my kids because one or both are always leaning on me, touching me, or sitting on me…always. Now I love a snugglefest with my babies, probably more than the average Mamma, but dang kids, give the lady some room!

This morning I was doing the normal multi-tasking: attempting to write a blog, drink coffee, pretend to watch Doc McStuffins and snuggle with two bed-headed kids. But I couldn’t even raise an elbow to click around on the computer because I was trapped between both leaners.

I moved to the floor, they followed me.
I scooted to the left, the scooted along with me.
I scooched to the right, the got even closer.

I can’t escape them!

During a break in the leaning, I ran off into the kitchen, but the little one followed me. Since this kid could stand, I haven’t cooked a meal without her standing on my feet or swinging between my legs chanting “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma” on repeat. This is enough to make the most patient of women insane, and I will only cook things that can be heated up in the microwave in 30 seconds so that I can be around long enough to see my kids graduate from high school.

I instituted a new rule in this house, a moratorium on leaning on Mommy for one hour a day. The no leaning policy happens from 1:30-2:30. This time also coincides with Mimi’s nap mostly because she is irrational and cannot be bargained with. Also, I am a little afraid of her wrath if I told her she has to move. However, the new rule has already failed and I have a mutiny on my hands. See!

The leaning doesn’t stop even when the kids go to bed. As if on cue, I get the kids to sleep and the dog, who has ignored us all day, comes racing down the stairs just to lean on me. It’s like she has an internal clock that goes off after bedtime alarming her to the fact no one is demanding anything from me and no one is touching me. The perfect time for her to lean that hot and hairy body on me.

After a full day of kids and a dog leaning on me, Hubby has the audacity to try his own version of leaning. No thanks, Dude. Keep on moving. After 12 straight hours of kid and canine leaning, ain’t no one got time for that.

So if you need me, find one of my kids. I will just be a lean away.

Things My Husband Can Do Better Than Me

March 25, 2013 by amushro

If you read my blog, you may think “Wow! That gal is a hoot!” or maybe you are thinking “That girl has pizzazz! That husband of her’s is a lucky devil.” And if you think that, you would be sorely wrong (well I am a hoot, but the other stuff is a stretch).

To be honest, I am a pill to live with. I am bossy, demanding, over emotional, and a lousy housekeeper. On top of that, I don’t reciprocate backrubs, I often say things like “I’ll cut you if you don’t stop snoring”, and I threaten divorce if Hubby speaks to me during True Blood, Homeland, Glee, Scandal, Nashville, Friday Night Light re-runs… you get the picture. See what I mean? A real pill.

Most days I am really hard on Hubby and I know I need to lay off him because he really is a great guy (even if he is missing a chromosome that reminds him to shut drawers and cupboards). Today I watched him push the kids on the swings outside and I got to thinking about the things he is better at than I am, and they are all things that are super important to kiddos. So for once, I will ease up on that boy I married a million years ago and let him know he is doing a good job. Here is what I came up with:

He is way better at rough housing than I am. Maybe it is because I am terrified that I will hurt them or I have had by boobs stepped on one too many times, but I leave all of the rough housing over to their Dad. Research suggests kids rough housing with their dad is actually good for a kid’s development. So go ahead, big guy, throw those kids in the air (but you better catch them or I will cut you), roll around and wrestle, let them win sometimes, let them lose sometimes, let them knee you in the balls and pretend it doesn’t hurt because the kids LOVE when they pin you, and I can sit on the couch and play referee with both boobs intact.
He said he was getting his MBA, but I suspect he was taking classes in fort building. I’ll admit, my forts are super lame. Usually I throw a blanket over a chair and call it a day, but when I leave Hubby to his own devices he will create a fort masterpiece. I’m talking couch cushions, blankets, ropes, tunnels, doors, and even secret hideouts. He puts my fort skills to shame and that’s OK because I would rather play in his fort too. That sounded dirty…
He reminds me that breaking their schedule is OK sometimes. I am super Type A and keep my kids on a tight schedule. They thrive on their schedule, I thrive on their schedule, but if the kids go to bed late or miss a nap once in a blue moon, it’s fine and I will just make him deal with their crabby arses the next day.
He always cleans out the rogue sippies. You know, the ones that were filled with milk and have been hiding under the couch for a few days. I seriously just vomited in my mouth thinking of it. Because I gag at the thought of opening that toxic waste, I rely on him to open and clean the cup so that we are not running to the store each week to replenish our sippie collection.Taking one for the team.
Because I am with the kids all-day-every-day, my fuse is super short at night. So when Monkey and Mimi start streaking through the halls after bath time and I am left with their jammies and lotion, Hubby scoops them up before I lose my shizzz and put everyone in bed naked and itchy. As the second string quarterback, he makes sure the kids make it to bed every night lubed up and in jammies and Mamma has a sliver of sanity.

See, the guy is great. Maybe I should think of these things when I have told him 374 times to take the recycling bin to the back of the house and he ignores me. He can still be a real pain, but he is super cute. So I am going to try to cool it with the cutting threats…for now.

Oh, Babe, can you take the recycling bin to the back of the house?(375)

Good Luck Moving Up Cause I’m Moving Out!

February 18, 2013 by amushro

Yesterday morning I looked out my front window and saw two men digging a hole in my front yard. Without even thinking, I stormed out the front door in my PJs, no shoes, no bra, and all of my early morning glory. Stomping up to the two men, I didn’t even fire a warning shot before I started to berate them by yelling “Whatever the hell you are doing, you better clean this mess up because we are putting our house on the market in a few days, and I will not have this yard looking like crap.” Without so much as a response from the two confused men, I stomped back to the house and, for extra effect, I slammed the front door.

About three minutes after my explosion, Hubby informed me that those two men just put up a for sale sign in the front yard. While I assumed they were some annoying utilities workers ripping up my front yard, they were making what we had known for months official: our house is for sale.

After sheepishly apologizing to the men for my crazed rant, I tried to explain how stressful it has been getting the house ready to sell, with kids no less! Then I remembered I wasn’t wearing a bra and decided a simple “Sorry, I’m a wack job” would suffice.

We haven’t even started the showings of the house yet and I am already flying off the handle at random strangers. I need to simmer down, take deep breaths ,and get a grip before everyone stages an intervention in my spotless, toyless, dustless, take-off-your-shoes-before-you-walk-on-the-carpet-because-I-just-had-them-cleaned living room.

So I am going to be a glass half full gal and look at the positives of preparing and selling your house. And if this doesn’t work, I am gonna need some meds to make it through this.

Don’t threaten to divorce your husband every time he says “Wow, now that most of the toys are gone and we got rid of so much stuff, there is so much room here. We really don’t need to move!” Simply nod and smile at his positive outlook. Remember that he has worked really hard too, and while you deal with stress with wine and sarcasm, he deals with stress by talking like a lunatic. Isn’t he just the cutest thing!
When your cleaning lady informs you she will be out of the country for the next month and you are a poor excuse for a housekeeper, don’t panic! Just tell the entire family they are only allowed in one room of the house—until it is sold. Think of it as camping! Think of all the bonding!
Even though you have moved out 95% of the kids toys and 75% of your belongings to make the house look spacious and roomy for the strangers walking through your house, just know when you exclaim “Look at how much room this house has,” those people did the same thing and their crap made the house small and cramped too.
Since you and the kids will spend lots of time in the car driving around the neighborhood while random strangers are looking in your closets, try not to think about them looking in your underwear drawer,finding the post-pregnancy panties, and running out of the house screaming. No, no, no, just use the car time to play a rousing game of I Spy, sing a few songs, or just run them through McDonalds for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Well folks, We have a long road ahead of us, and I can’t drop my basket now. Remember when I promised to be kind to this house?

I am going to keep looking at the positives (and drinking lots of wine), but I would LOVE your tips, tricks, or stories about moving! Share in the comments and we can all commiserate together!

Guest Blogger: When Crazy Meets Exhaustion-Valentine’s Day Special

February 13, 2013 by amushro

A very special treat for my readers! My best blogging buddy, Stephanie from When Crazy Meets Exhaustion has created a Valentine’s Day special post for you! Enjoy and send some love her way!

Well hello there, friends!

When my pal Amanda asked if I would write a little Valentine somethin’ for her to share with you, I was all for it. I mean, I feel right at home here with you, her loyal readers. As proof, I’ve taken off my bra and just helped myself into your fridge.

Wanna know a secret? Amanda and I have only met ONCE! We work together in a virtual school, and the year our daughters were born, we hiked it to a centrally located Olive Garden for some bread stick yumminess and good conversation. Since that day, we’ve been electronically inseparable. She’s dubbed us same-sex soul mates because we have a freaky ton in common: our little boys who own our hearts are about the same age; we were both smitten enough to try for #2 right around the boys’ first birthdays and have been blessed with diva daughters; we’re both English teachers who started our careers in less-than-stellar conditions (you’ve seen Dangerous Minds, yes?). The list goes on, but I’m not here to discuss that list. I’m here to break you off a piece of this:

Valentine’s Day: a reason for lovers to love a little more. Or to massacre a bunch of people in Chicago. But let’s focus on the former, shall we? It’s all chocolate hearts and steamy sex for many couples, but when some of that there steaminess results in a bundle of joy and there’s more coming out of your hooha than going in it, well, shit gets real.

1. Getting ready to be on display in public, formerly known as “primping,” entails much more than a few swipes of mascara and spritzes of hairspray these days. When did those forehead lines get so deep? Is there no concealer on earth that will hide the under eye baggage? And your Spanx aren’t saved for special occasions any more; they’re for any occasion that puts you in the same room as women who do not need the extra suffocation support.

2. You make an early-bird dinner reservation because you want to get into bed as soon as possible. To sleep.

3. You clean your plate at said early-bird dinner because you no longer worry about looking 5-months pregnant with a food baby. That sexy Vicky Secrets get-up has since been replaced by sweatpants.

4. A glass of red will be enough to make you feel hung over in the morning.

5. Try as you might, you and the hubs will talk about the kids for the majority of the evening.

Did you hear our Boy sing the new song he learned at preschool?

YES! He has the voice of an angel.

He really does. I bet he’ll be a doctor and find the cure for cancer, or premature balding. He’s that smart.

And how adorable is he?! I mean, he’s so much cuter than the other kids in his class.

6. You’re obligated to share whatever gifts you receive: your mini-Mariah Carey wants to hold one of your flowers? Give’em up, Mama. Prince Charming insists he sample your chocolate? Get a Wet Wipe–it’s going to get messy up in here.

7. Once the kids have been tucked in and you and your guy could potentially be knocking ‘da boots, you’ll opt to watch CNN because this debt is outta control and, as adults and parents, it is our responsibility to keep abreast of the situation. Abreast. Hehehehe!

8. Even though there was no overnight stay in a luxury hotel and the crab cakes from dinner have given you explosive gas, you will fall asleep in your handsome man’s arms, the proud Mama of perfect children, with a sense of pride and fulfillment that only comes when a woman’s vajayjay has, in fact, become a two-way street.

Happy Heart Day, everyone!

I hope to see you again. Feel free to come take your bra off at my place any time…wait. That just sounds bad.
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Returning the Love: How I Plan to Make His Valentine’s Day Not Suck

February 12, 2013 by amushro

Since the shelves at my local pharmacy are lined with heart-shaped boxes of candy, creepy stuffed animals dressed as Cupid, and cards with pictures of dogs holding signs declaring “I woof you,” Valentine’s Day must be a comin’.

In my typical over-the-top-mom fashion, I planned three meals for the kids that will all be heart-shaped, picked out the type of candy that I like best since I will eat ¾ of it, the house will be covered in construction paper hearts, and Monkey and Mimi will receive special Valentine’s Day presents from Mommy and Daddy. *pats self on back*

While I would never dream of not making this a special holiday for my kids, my husband might not get such special attention. It really doesn’t seem fair because he really tries to go out of his way to make my Valentine’s Day special. Here is how it will go: he will send me beautiful flowers because he knows I am a sucker for flowers, he will pull out the big guns and sign them from the kids (I am tearing up already), he will buy me more candy that I will hide from the children and eat in the privacy of my closet, he will take me to a fancy dinner where I will eat too much calorie laden food and drink too much red wine, he will bring me home fat, full, and tipsy where I shall pass out from a food comma and dash all of his hopes of getting a little frisky on this romantic holiday. What a lucky guy, huh?

This year, I promise to put the same effort into his Valentine’s Day as I do the kids’ day. So here goes nothing, this is what he can expect:

1. I promise to shave above the knee and landscape all of my girly parts. I know, I know—you real fancy, girl!

2. When we go out, I am going all out: hair, makeup, nails, pre-baby underwear, and no yoga pants! I also promise to wear a name tag so that you can recognize me. I don’t want to startle you too much with this fancy new me.

3. When we are out to dinner, I will refrain from nagging about the fact that the back yard is a muddy mess, nagging about the garbage cans not taken in the back the same day as trash pickup, nagging about the fact we need to pick a date for our summer vacation, nagging—-OK how about I just shut my trap for the day and put a ban on nagging. Just for one day because I don’t think I could handle more than one day.

4. If we go to a movie, I will let you pick! Go crazy, big guy! Although I really love anything with Bradley Cooper, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, or George Clooney, but you can totally pick the movie. It’s just that I really hate scary movies, but you already know that. But go ahead, you pick. Just nothing that is too long because I will get sleepy. How about nothing with a wizard, elf, or a light saber? OK, go ahead and pick.

5. You can expect to come home to a romantic scene of candlelight and soft music. Just kidding! We have two small kids and I will probably be sleepy by nine o’clock. How about I make you a deal, you get to watch ESPN and I won’t complain? Done!

And that, my friends, is how you keep your husband happy on this romantic holiday!