amushro

Preschool Pyramid Scheme

February 16, 2013 by amushro

This time last year I had preschool on the brain. The county we live in is notoriously competitive in all aspects of education and finger painting and playing in the sandbox while earning your pre-K stripes is no different. I toured numerous schools, researched online for hours, and grilled anyone that had any knowledge of the best preschools in our area. After much stress and deliberation, we picked a preschool that impressed us in every way, but we were floored by the price. Can you get a 529 for preschool?

When hubby saw the tuition bill he was a bit shocked, but I was prepared with an argument that justified each and every penny. Every aspect of this preschool impressed me and I knew it was the right place for Monkey. I was even prepared to give up daily Starbucks trips if that would help sway Hubby to agreeing to the school (yeah right). What I wasn’t prepared for was the preschool pyramid schemes.

First it started with school pictures. Remember when you would get a tiny envelope with an even smaller print of your school picture? Your parents were given a few days to choose which package they wanted and how many wallets and 5x7s they needed to give to grandma. Well it would seem preschools have found a way around kids losing these envelopes or parents forgetting to order this year’s school picture because Monkey’s school sent home a huge package with wallets, 4x6s, 5×7, and 8x10s with a note attached. The note basically said you could pay for the package (if you are a good parent), order more pictures (if you are a great parent), or return all of the pictures (if you are an evil, crap, waste of a parent).

Look at this picture:

Who in their right mind could return any of these? Find me my checkbook! Everyone gets a picture! I am like Oprah but without the car and just a cute kid in his first school picture.

“You get a picture!”

“Everyone gets a ppppiiiicccctttuuuurrreee!”

Of course the school is getting a kickback from suckers like me that can’t bear to not buy every single picture they send home. They are also getting a kickback from the parents that missed the cutoff, were too embarrassed to admit how late they were, and just handed over a check. Brilliant on their part, right?

But the pyramid schemes didn’t end there. This week I received a note that explains each student will submit artwork to a company that will take the work of your Picasso and turn it into a coffee mug, iPad cover, and all sorts of useless crap you don’t need, but guess who will buy it? ME!

My only hope is that he continues the minimalist theme in his artwork, and I won’t have to buy this crap.But if he decides to go a little crazy and actually puts a little effort into his art sample, well then, watch out! I will be getting all Oprah again and handing out travel mugs with Monkey’s handiwork to everyone I meet.

I know it could be worse. The school could ask us to participate in constant fundraisers where I force my mom and dad to buy wrapping paper or frozen cookie dough.

A long time ago (probably after college when I was just hanging out at my parents’ house until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life), my dad promised me he would always pay for three things: my education, my teeth, and my running shoes. You know what, he has kept to that promise. So I will promise Monkey and Mimi that I will always pay for their education (no matter what stage they are in), their teeth (lord help them if they end up with my chompers, it is the least I can do), and all of the silly, overpriced nonsense that comes with school, camps, clubs, Disney on Ice, and anything else that comes ~~at my checkbook~~ our way.

Guest Blogger: When Crazy Meets Exhaustion-Valentine’s Day Special

February 13, 2013 by amushro

A very special treat for my readers! My best blogging buddy, Stephanie from When Crazy Meets Exhaustion has created a Valentine’s Day special post for you! Enjoy and send some love her way!

Well hello there, friends!

When my pal Amanda asked if I would write a little Valentine somethin’ for her to share with you, I was all for it. I mean, I feel right at home here with you, her loyal readers. As proof, I’ve taken off my bra and just helped myself into your fridge.

Wanna know a secret? Amanda and I have only met ONCE! We work together in a virtual school, and the year our daughters were born, we hiked it to a centrally located Olive Garden for some bread stick yumminess and good conversation. Since that day, we’ve been electronically inseparable. She’s dubbed us same-sex soul mates because we have a freaky ton in common: our little boys who own our hearts are about the same age; we were both smitten enough to try for #2 right around the boys’ first birthdays and have been blessed with diva daughters; we’re both English teachers who started our careers in less-than-stellar conditions (you’ve seen Dangerous Minds, yes?). The list goes on, but I’m not here to discuss that list. I’m here to break you off a piece of this:

Valentine’s Day: a reason for lovers to love a little more. Or to massacre a bunch of people in Chicago. But let’s focus on the former, shall we? It’s all chocolate hearts and steamy sex for many couples, but when some of that there steaminess results in a bundle of joy and there’s more coming out of your hooha than going in it, well, shit gets real.

1. Getting ready to be on display in public, formerly known as “primping,” entails much more than a few swipes of mascara and spritzes of hairspray these days. When did those forehead lines get so deep? Is there no concealer on earth that will hide the under eye baggage? And your Spanx aren’t saved for special occasions any more; they’re for any occasion that puts you in the same room as women who do not need the extra suffocation support.

2. You make an early-bird dinner reservation because you want to get into bed as soon as possible. To sleep.

3. You clean your plate at said early-bird dinner because you no longer worry about looking 5-months pregnant with a food baby. That sexy Vicky Secrets get-up has since been replaced by sweatpants.

4. A glass of red will be enough to make you feel hung over in the morning.

5. Try as you might, you and the hubs will talk about the kids for the majority of the evening.

Did you hear our Boy sing the new song he learned at preschool?

YES! He has the voice of an angel.

He really does. I bet he’ll be a doctor and find the cure for cancer, or premature balding. He’s that smart.

And how adorable is he?! I mean, he’s so much cuter than the other kids in his class.

6. You’re obligated to share whatever gifts you receive: your mini-Mariah Carey wants to hold one of your flowers? Give’em up, Mama. Prince Charming insists he sample your chocolate? Get a Wet Wipe–it’s going to get messy up in here.

7. Once the kids have been tucked in and you and your guy could potentially be knocking ‘da boots, you’ll opt to watch CNN because this debt is outta control and, as adults and parents, it is our responsibility to keep abreast of the situation. Abreast. Hehehehe!

8. Even though there was no overnight stay in a luxury hotel and the crab cakes from dinner have given you explosive gas, you will fall asleep in your handsome man’s arms, the proud Mama of perfect children, with a sense of pride and fulfillment that only comes when a woman’s vajayjay has, in fact, become a two-way street.

Happy Heart Day, everyone!

I hope to see you again. Feel free to come take your bra off at my place any time…wait. That just sounds bad.
Link to blog: www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com

Link to FB: www.facebook.com/whencrazymeetsexhaustion

Link to Twitter: https://twitter.com/CrazyExhaustion

Returning the Love: How I Plan to Make His Valentine’s Day Not Suck

February 12, 2013 by amushro

Since the shelves at my local pharmacy are lined with heart-shaped boxes of candy, creepy stuffed animals dressed as Cupid, and cards with pictures of dogs holding signs declaring “I woof you,” Valentine’s Day must be a comin’.

In my typical over-the-top-mom fashion, I planned three meals for the kids that will all be heart-shaped, picked out the type of candy that I like best since I will eat ¾ of it, the house will be covered in construction paper hearts, and Monkey and Mimi will receive special Valentine’s Day presents from Mommy and Daddy. *pats self on back*

While I would never dream of not making this a special holiday for my kids, my husband might not get such special attention. It really doesn’t seem fair because he really tries to go out of his way to make my Valentine’s Day special. Here is how it will go: he will send me beautiful flowers because he knows I am a sucker for flowers, he will pull out the big guns and sign them from the kids (I am tearing up already), he will buy me more candy that I will hide from the children and eat in the privacy of my closet, he will take me to a fancy dinner where I will eat too much calorie laden food and drink too much red wine, he will bring me home fat, full, and tipsy where I shall pass out from a food comma and dash all of his hopes of getting a little frisky on this romantic holiday. What a lucky guy, huh?

This year, I promise to put the same effort into his Valentine’s Day as I do the kids’ day. So here goes nothing, this is what he can expect:

1. I promise to shave above the knee and landscape all of my girly parts. I know, I know—you real fancy, girl!

2. When we go out, I am going all out: hair, makeup, nails, pre-baby underwear, and no yoga pants! I also promise to wear a name tag so that you can recognize me. I don’t want to startle you too much with this fancy new me.

3. When we are out to dinner, I will refrain from nagging about the fact that the back yard is a muddy mess, nagging about the garbage cans not taken in the back the same day as trash pickup, nagging about the fact we need to pick a date for our summer vacation, nagging—-OK how about I just shut my trap for the day and put a ban on nagging. Just for one day because I don’t think I could handle more than one day.

4. If we go to a movie, I will let you pick! Go crazy, big guy! Although I really love anything with Bradley Cooper, Jude Law, Channing Tatum, or George Clooney, but you can totally pick the movie. It’s just that I really hate scary movies, but you already know that. But go ahead, you pick. Just nothing that is too long because I will get sleepy. How about nothing with a wizard, elf, or a light saber? OK, go ahead and pick.

5. You can expect to come home to a romantic scene of candlelight and soft music. Just kidding! We have two small kids and I will probably be sleepy by nine o’clock. How about I make you a deal, you get to watch ESPN and I won’t complain? Done!

And that, my friends, is how you keep your husband happy on this romantic holiday!

Liar, Liar Magic Mike’s Pants on Fire

February 8, 2013 by amushro

Do you smell that? Those would be my pants…on fire. According to my kids, I am a big, fat liar. Now I really don’t make it a habit to pull a Pinocchio and lie to everyone; however, my kids seem to turn me into a liar whenever I act like I know them so well. You know the drill, we get my parents on Skype and I tell Mimi to “show them what an elephant does.” Five minutes ago she did her hilarious elephant impression that had us all cracking up, but the second I ask her to show my parents— silence. My poor parents wait anxiously while crowded around their laptop for Mimi to do something, anything. All they get is a blank stare. Awesome.

Monkey is no better. This kid would sooner lose a limb than eat anything green (aside from a Shamrock Shake), but when he is at my in-laws, apparently the kid can’t get enough green beans. What is going on? I would swear up and down he would never eat green beans, and ten minutes later, the kid has eaten his weight beans.

See? Apparently I am a liar.

It would seem that Magic Mike has a way of making my friend Coco a liar too. Oh now, I’ve got your attention, huh.

A few months ago, Coco started her nightly check-in on her two boys. She thought she was going to find her sweet, two-year-old all snuggled in his footie jammies hugging his Big Bird doll. However, she was a shocked to find her boy had pulled a Magic Mike and stripped down butt naked and fell asleep with his little hiney in the air. For a few weeks, Magic Mike made an appearance every night. Now if the Magic Mike showing up every night is Channing Tatum, then yes, I will allow it. However, when your Magic Mike is a naked kid that is seconds away from making a huge, disgusting mess in his crib, uhhhh no thanks. Put your diaper back on.

Always the thinker, Coco started putting Magic Mike’s jammies on backwards and thwarted his evil nightly plans. That’s using your brain, Mamma!

This weekend Coco and I were chatting about how our first borns were early crib-jumpers, and we foolishly laughed at how nice it is that our second kids would never dream of jumping out of their cribs. Also, because we are both crazy and had two kids in two years, our oldest babies had to figure a few things out pretty quickly, like walking up and down stairs. When your Mommy is super preggers and you are only 18 months old, you have to tackle stair climbing pretty quickly, but Mimi and Magic Mike are quite spoiled and still demand to be carried up and down the stairs.

Last night Coco hears a few strange sounds and thinks it may be one of her boys waking up. At first she ignores it, but she hears the small voice again. She climbs out of bed and puts her ear to each of their doors…nothing. Then she hears a noise downstairs! She creeps down the steps, turns the corner and screams when she walks right into a naked Magic Mike. You know, the non-crib jumping, can’t walk down steps, stopped taking all of his clothes off, Magic Mike. Yeah that one.

It was like Magic Mike knew his mom would be telling everyone how he never does this and that, and he just had to make her a liar. I bet he was plotting this move for months, listening in on her conversations daily, doing push ups every night in his crib, planning a Shawshank Redemption escape. I mean this really took some time and consideration. The kid took off his clothes, climbed out of the crib, opened the bedroom door, climbed over the babygate in the doorway, closed the door, walked down the stairs and decided to what, grab a snack, maybe chocolate milk?

Remember the game two truths and a lie? Let’s play, shall we?

1. Coco clearly has her hands full with Magic Mike and his stealthy night moves.

2. Monkey and Mimi will continue to find ways to make me a big ole’ liar.

3. Watching a movie about tanned, over sexed, muscular, gorgeous, dancing men is completely offensive and no woman (or large groups of women) should subject themselves to this kind of film.

With a Little Help From My Friends

February 5, 2013 by amushro

Last week I shared with you my excitement over my impending girls weekend. While the week leading up to our mommy getaway seemed to drag on, the actual weekend flew by, sigh. Isn’t that how it always works? I’m not sure if it was the extra sleep, extra wine, extra calories, or extra laughs, but I am feeling all insightful today. Here are the ten things I learned from a girls weekend away from kiddos.

1. Always pack the essentials: booze, forbidden snacks, and small purses when you are away from your kids

2. The ban on talking about your kids will be broken about fifteen minutes into the trip

3. Even if you are all looking smokin’ hot in your skinny jeans and high black boots, you will never feel as uncool as when you roll up to a club in a mini-van full of Mommies.

4.If a brave young man tries to approach you and your gal pals while at a bar, he will be horrified and shocked by the number of children that have been produced by the ladies at the table. Point and laugh as he makes his escape. You might actually see a cloud of smoke forming at his feet because he is running so fast.

5. Don’t bother calling your husband for updates on the kids. You have left them in his care and you cannot control their eating, lack of eating, naps, lack of naps, bad hair, and unbrushed teeth. They will survive and so will you.

6. If we really wanted to solve all of the world’s problems, we would put a bunch of mommies in a car for several hours and let them hash it out. Boom—world peace

7. Never complain about spa time. Maybe you have a chatty masseuse or one that lacks all social graces. Maybe your manicure came out lousy. Maybe there was an error in booking and you end up in a couples massage with your very pregnant friend Coco where you scream “Don’t look at my belly,” and she replies “Don’t look at my belly.” Just quickly get under the covers, assume they don’t think she is carrying your child, kill the laughter, and just enjoy the fact you are getting your back rubbed for an hour.

8. Always drink lots of wine while helping your friends name their unborn children. You will come up with gems like this:

Channing Tatum= sexy

Paul Tatum= just dropped quite a few on the sexy list

9. Because you were so excited, your bags were packed and sitting at the door the morning you left. Just like your bags are packed sitting at the door ready to leave on Sunday. Get me home to my babies!

10. Time with your gals is essential. Everyone needs a break and time away will make you a better mother. However, there is no place like home and nothing better than kissing your babies when you come back refreshed and ready to tackle this mommy thing all over again or at least until the next trip!

Last chance to enter my Stella and Dot “Courage” Bracelet giveaway! Just click here to enter

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When Finding Mommy Friends Feels Like Dating

February 4, 2013 by amushro

Yesterday Hubby and I were discussing reasons he can never kill over on me. Of course the obvi: we would all be heartbroken, the kids would miss out on knowing their amazing dad, and who would laugh at my inappropriate jokes? More importantly, I am horrible at dating! Granted, I haven’t had to hit up the actual dating scene in a million years; however, after having Monkey, I was searching for some Mom friends and felt like I was on one bad date after another.

Right around the time that I found out I was pregnant with Monkey there was a mini-baby-boom with my pals. We all delivered within a few months of each other and Boom!– instant Mommy friends. I like to equate this to college dating where life is easy and all you need to do is show up (usually at a bar late night), but in the Mommy friend scene, you meet at Starbucks. We were instantly in that joyous “honeymoon” stage

During those early “honeymoon” days we met our friends every chance we got for leisurely lunches, powerwalks with our strollers through the mall, and quick stops at Gap Kids to peruse the sale racks. Life was good.

Then there was the breakup; everyone’s maternity leave ended. They went back to work and left Monkey and I dateless and lonely.

I sort of went through a mourning period after the breakup where we didn’t go out much, and if we did, it was to the same spots we used to frequent on our dates–denial. I would send a few desperate texts asking my friends to come back because we were so good together and they would never find anyone as great as us. After a few weeks of this nonsense, it was clear we needed to get back out there and start dating make new friends.

If you are hitting the dating scene, you frequent the trendiest clubs and restaurants. If you are searching for playdates, the dating scene is Mommy and Me classes: Mommy and Me gym class, yoga class, swim class, art class, these classes are breaking the bank class. So there we were, putting ourselves out there hoping to catch someone’s eye.

It was pretty easy to figure out who was “our type” and who we needed to stay far, far away from: the Starbucks drinking mom who was ignoring their aggressive kid shoving the other kids off the slide or the super needy mom that over-shares about her leaky boobs, hemorrhoids, and failing marriage within five minutes of meeting her–no thanks, not interested

If you were having a great conversation with someone, you would get nervous for the end of the class (much like last call at the bar). Here was your chance! Should you ask for their number? Wait for them to ask for yours? Hope they show up again next week? Ahhh the pressure! If you do get their number, you walk away and over analyze everything. Did she really like me? When should I call? I wonder if she noticed the baby barf down my back?

Here is the thing about finding new Mommy friends, you and your kiddo have to be compatible with the mom AND her kid—double dating. You may meet a nice enough mom, but if her kid is a creep, it’s never going to work. Walk away, just walk away now.

Sometimes we would go on playdates that started out promising and ended up disastrous. If we were on a real date, we would have said we were going to the bathroom and jet out the door when no one was looking. Like the time we had a playdate with the lady who was wasted on the playground. Maybe she was nervous. I mean, I like my cocktails, but you know, it’s a little awkward when she is the one climbing on monkey bars at 10 AM. I faked a diaper blowout and high tailed it from the Boozy mom.

Sometimes you end up in a bad relationship just because you want to “date” someone. I befriended one mom that I had nothing in common with other than we had kids. She was whiny, bragged about all of the money her husband made, and her daughter cried a lot, but I smiled and tried to make it work because I was so freaking lonely. Finally I knew it was over and I ended it in the most mature way— I stopped returning her calls and texts. We had to change the days of some of our classes to avoid her and we gave up custody of a few playgrounds, but in the end the clean break was best.

Dating is hard when you are looking for a love match. Dating to find Mommy friends is even harder. But just like being lucky in love, being lucky with friends makes this life as a Mommy easier, better, and a whole lot more fun.

The super hilarious blogger Cloudy With a Chance of Wine wrote about how to make mom friends. Be careful because I know how some of my readers pee themselves when they laugh too hard. You will find her step by step guide very helpful:How to Make Mom Friends

How To Make Mom Friends 300x300 How to make mom friends

Remember, you still have a chance to win the georgous Stella and Dot “Courage” bracelet. It will give you somthing shiny to wear on your dates!a Rafflecopter giveaway

Mammas Just Wanna Have Fun

January 28, 2013 by amushro

It seems like the entire country is gearing up for Super Bowl Sunday by making cocktail weenies and football shaped cheese balls. Well good for you because this lady could care less about the game for two reasons:

I am originally from Pittsburgh, so for me, football season has been over for quite some time. Bitter much you say? You betcha!
This weekend is my annual Girls Weekend Away! Cue the music and confetti!!

That’s right folks, this weekend this lady and five of my favorite Mommy gal pals are ditching our kids with our Baby Daddies and hitting the road. Between the six of us, we have 13 kids and we are letting our husbands fend for themselves. Well actually, my in-laws will come swooping over when I am out of town to make sure the kids don’t go all Lord of the Flies on my husband.

Now I know what you are thinking, this trip is going to be a bar hopping, booze filled, Girls Gone Wild weekend, right? Ummm, no. Get your mind out of the gutter. Did you miss the part about 13 kids? Also we have two preggers on the trip, or as I like to call them, the friends that will drive me home after too many cocktails.

This weekend will be filled with wine, hours at the spa, yummy dinners, girl talk, and sleeping in. So I asked my ladies what excites them the most about a girls only weekend and of course their answers didn’t disappoint!

I really don’t know which part I am most excited about, but today it might be the sleeping in. Monkey has been waking up super early and he must realize that he needs to do something so amazingly adorable or I will send his cute tush back to bed. So his new trick is to quietly (not so quietly because I hear him come in my room) dig through my jewelry box and select something shiny. Then he brings it over to his sleeping Mamma and says, “Mommy, I got this present for you. Do you love it?” Because I am a silly sucker for my boy, I act surprised and tell him how much I love the ring, bracelet, random broken earring he has picked out. I guess there are worse ways to be woken up.

While I can’t wait to sleep without someone in footie pajamas waking me from my much needed beauty sleep, my buddy D-Love is looking forward to a weekend of peanut butter.

When you are a mom, you have to make sacrifices and sometimes those sacrifices just suck. For D-Love, her daughter’s peanut allergy has forced her to ban all peanut products from her house to ensure her little lady’s health—good mommy. But not this weekend! Bring on the peanut butter, D-Love because you deserve it! So when we are packing snacks for the weekend, D-Love’s only request was that it contains the forbidden fruit.

I really don’t know how she does it. Since I eat my stress, I can usually be found diving into a jar of peanut butter when I have a crappy day or the kids are working my last nerve. Rather than shouting “You kids are driving me to drink.” I yell “You kids are driving me to eat this entire jar of peanut butter.”

My DD for the weekend and traveling partner Coco is most excited about listening and singing along to really loud and profane rap music. Without little ears in the car, it is going to be a Biggie and Tupac kind of road trip. Even if this weekend is a bust, watching a pregnant Coco sing “All Eyes on Me”–worth it’s weight in gold.

Packing should be easy for Ms. Raven because she is only bringing a very, very tiny purse. You know, the kind you CAN’T fit a diaper, sippy cup, lollipops, wipes, toys, and snacks in. Ahhhh, how liberating

Really we are easy women to please, take the adorably pregnant Lemon. She is thrilled she won’t have to cut up anyone’s food and can speak without a kid interrupting 574,039 times. While Clear-Eyes is going to enjoy a weekend with a cellphone and iPad not covered in crumbs, slobber, or snot, and of course, the elusive moments of privacy in the bathroom. Glorious!

I am a firm believer in Girls Weekends. They are an investment in yourself, in your friendships, and your sanity. It gives you just enough time to relax and recharge. It also gives your husband just enough time to realize that you are superwoman and he and the kids would be lost without you. So pack your bags, grab the wine, and let’s hit the road, ladies!

So how about a giveaway? In honor of girlfriends that make your life better, easier, and happier I am giving away a beautiful Stella and Dot “Courage” bracelet. The wonderful Kelly Smith, Stella and Dot Stylist (also my personal bestie and Mimi’s Godmother!) has graciously given Questionable Choices in Parenting this gorgeous bracelet to be given to one of my readers!

So click this link of for your chance to win! The lucky winner will be announced on 2/11/2013
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Flirting: Another Way to Embarrass Mom

January 25, 2013 by amushro

When you are young and single, having the super flirty friend whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard is awesome! You can get free drinks, a few dance partners, and witty banter while your wingman does all of the heavy lifting. However, when you are a happily married mother of two, and the milkshake-bringer just happens to be your 18-month-old daughter, well, the effects are just awkward.

From a very early age (I know she is at the ripe old age of 18 months), Mimi began to work her charms on strangers. She sort of has a little system down and it starts out really cute, but after a while, I envision her being a dancing frog that needs pulled off the stage with a huge cane.

It always amazes me that I can’t get the kid to say “milk,” but she can play her coy games of “Look at me. Don’t look at me. Now look at me again. I’m so cute.” This kid is exhausting. Is this foreshadowing of her teenage years? Is this karma? Let’s take a look Mimi in action, shall we?

First there is her favorite barista at Starbucks. He is a cute, young guy that kinda reminds me of Joe from Blue’s Clues. Since that show is one of her favs, I assumed that is why she took a shining to him. While we place our order she would bat those eyelashes at him and play coy while hiding against my shoulder. Ok, cute enough. Then the barista would wave back to her and she would giggle. But it didn’t stop there. Between bites of blueberry muffin and sips of chocolate milk, she would lean back in her high chair and holler to him “hiya” over and over until he notices her. Since I am a bit of a caffeine addict, we stop at the Starbucks a lot and it is the same scenario every time we get there. She seeks him out, they play a little peek-a-boo, and she yells across the coffee shop until he talks to her. Once was cute, but it happens a lot. I may just have to stop going there. OK that is not happening. I will just suck this one up

Her second regular flirt has me a little more concerned. There is a small diner nearby that we frequent so often is has become our own personal “Cheers.” No one yells “Norm!” when we walk in, but they put a diet coke and two chocolate milks on the table when we arrive. To say we go there a lot is an understatement. A young waiter caught Mimi’s eye a few months back. Again a good-looking young guy, but this one has two arms full of tattoos. So, my dear Mimi, you have a thing for the “bad boy” huh? Are you trying to give your dad premature gray hairs? Her routine is the same: a few bats of those gorgeous eyelashes, a couple of peek-a-boos, pretending she’s not interested, then the incessant yelling of “hiya!” Of course this guy eats it up and he plays right back. Maybe he thinks he will get a bigger tip? Sorry buddy, you are teetering on creeping me out. Knock it off and get me another diet coke, and please excuse all of the fries my kids threw on the floor.

Finally today at her Mommy and Me Gym class, she spotted a dad and made a B-line right for him. Now these classes are full of other Mommies and Nannies; the Dads are few and far between. If a Dad rolls into class, his wife is probably pregnant and about to pop or she already popped. So when Mimi made sure this dad played with her in the obstacle course, saw her on the trampoline, and even waved to her while she took a swim in the ball pit, I was getting judgy and mean looks from the other mothers and nannies. I wanted to yell at those terrible women, “‘It’s not me. It’s my kid, and you know what, my kid is way cuter than yours anyway!”

Listen there is no denying that she is stinking cute. That face is like my kryptonite! There is also no denying that I will be promptly locking this sweet flirty girl in her room until she is thirty or longer.

Never Say Never

January 22, 2013 by amushro

My BFF having her first baby is really going to work in my favor. First, Chief and I have been through some crazy stuff (all incriminating photos have been disposed), but nothing bonds you with your bestie like being in the trenches of motherhood together. Second, in a few months I will have a sweet, snuggly newborn to squeeze, love, and get my baby fix so I can slow down this dang biological clock. Third, I am super excited to be skinnier than her and for her ass to be bigger than mine, even if it is only for a few fleeting months. Since Chief told me she was preggers, it made me think a lot about my first pregnancy and all of my big, silly ideas

If I could get all Marty McFly and find 1.21 gigawatts, I would tell a newly pregnant me to lay off the freaking ranch dressing. Do you know how many postpartum miles I had to run to get rid of the damage caused by your pregnancy-ranch-induced cravings? But more importantly, I would take the imaginary list of things I was never going to do once I was a parent, tear it up, and throw it in the air like confetti. That list was something like this:

My kids will NEVER eat anything but organic or all natural food
My kids will NEVER eat fast food
My kids will NEVER throw temper tantrums
My kids will NEVER take a pacifier

I really do try to feed the kids as much organic and natural food (I know, I’m freaking Mother Earth) as possible; however, sometimes it isn’t economical for a family of four to eat everything organic. So to fix that, I ban Hubby from eating the kids’ natural and organic foods. He is forced to eat the crap with hormones, antibiotics, and the unpronounceable ingredients antibioticstore.online. Don’t start feeling sorry for him. He’s tough, he will survive.

The ban of the fast food was pretty easy at first with Monkey, but I am ashamed to say that Mimi could be found chewing on a McDonald’s nugget way earlier than her brother. Our house is littered with half broken Happy Meal toys as further evidence on my failure to follow my self-imposed fast food ban.

Temper tantrums, sigh. I could count the number of throw down, screaming and crying, red-faced, snotty temper tantrums Monkey has had in his life on one hand. I can count the number that Mimi has had before noon on one hand. Much like her mother, she has a flair for the dramatics and chooses to express her anger, frustration, or annoyance with a fit that would shake even the most seasoned of mothers.

Now the pacifier, the pacifier is a whole different story. Monkey had zero interest in all things pacifiers. Easy! I sort of blame Mimi’s paci addiction on me. Her first year of life, I was her paci pusher. With the littlest whimper or moan, I was handing her a paci.

Come on, honey. This will take the edge off

Try it. You’ll like it. I swear. Would I lie to you?

Everyone is doing it.

And just like that, another paci addict was born. Sometimes she gets so upset she actually double fists pacifiers. Those are really bad days and it is best to stay out of her way.

After her first birthday, we only let her have her paci in bed and on long car rides. But the power of Mimi prevailed with some epic tantrums that had me throwing pacifiers at her by the handful.

Once she was on to our evil plan to banish her paci, she started stashing them around the house. Some places were obvious: in her doll house, shoved in the couch. But some were stealthy hidden: in her shoes, in her shopping cart of play food. Hubby witnessed her pull a paci out of the dog food bin and start sucking away like a nicotine fiend that needed their fix.

Most of the time we get pictures like this:

I call this one “Grumpy Swan.”

Her antics have even been caught on tape. This video of Sneaky Pete shows her trying to get a little paci time when she thinks my head is turned. Watch this little charmer try to giggle her way out of being caught red-handed.

The day will come when the pacifier has to go, but it sure as heck is not today because silence is golden and silence with Mimi is rare.

So my dearest Chief, enjoy being pregnant, be reasonable with the ranch dressing, and go easy on yourself with the things you will NEVER do as a parent. Oh, and the photos may be destroyed, but there are still videos, so you are stuck with me forever!